50 Ways to Love Your Lover: 1-10 (WORDS)

February 18, 2010 by Venus Taylor
Filed under Articles, Couples

How full is your love tank? Are you feeling fully loved, appreciated, connected to your partner?
How full is your partner’s love tank? Ready to learn how to top it off?

Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages is a great toolkit for couples wanting to draw closer and strengthen their bond. It teaches how you and your partner can learn each other’s primary love language (i.e., what makes each of you feel the most loved), and then learn to speak that language fluently.

If you haven’t read the book, check out Gary Chapman’s website to learn about the 5 Love Languages.

As we wrap up February (”The Month’O'Love”), I’ll sharing with you 10 WAYS to express love to your partner in each of the 5 LOVE LANGUAGES.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

If you feel tingly, appreciated, and loved when your partner tells you all the wonderful things he likes about you, speaks highly of you to other people, compliments your hair, body, or personality…then your primary love language may be WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

If that’s your partner’s primary love language - if he beams with pride and swells with confidence when you tell him how awesome he is - then here are 10 ways to show him love in a way that he’ll REALLY appreciate. (Hey, there are 10 months left in this year, right? How about focusing on one each month?)

Describe one way that he excites you - Observe your physical reaction when he comes into a room, or says your name, or touches your back. Then, in a tender moment, put your physical reaction into words. Let your heart pour out of your mouth. One Valentine’s Day, I wrote my husband a note saying, “I may not always show it, but when I hear your car pull up into the driveway, every hair on my arm knows you’re home.” That man felt SO loved, he showed that note to everyone in his office.
Tell his family how awesome he is - Not just in a general way. Be specific. Tell them one thing he did or said that you especially liked. Or describe the quality that you most respect about him.
Use the word, “Respect” - When he’s telling a story about work, a hobby, or his friends, pay attention to what the story says about him as a person. Does the story illustrate his great sense of humor? His ability to see the good in people? His undying loyalty? His courage? His honesty? His steadfast determination? After his story, tell him how much you respect that quality in him. When I tell my husband, “I really respect how patient you can be with difficult people,” or “I have the greatest respect for your work ethic,” I can see him take that into himself. He pauses for half a beat, and, I believe, respects that part of himself as well.
Use the word, “Admire” - “Admire” can be used in a similar way as “Respect.” But the feeling each inspires can be different. To me, “Respect” simply acknowledges the other person for who they are, while “Admire” suggests that you find their qualities particularly desirable (that’s just IMHO…observe how do they feel for you). I admire my husband’s ability to tell really entertaining stories about his childhood. When I tell him so, he gets that I enjoy his talent, I get that I’d like some of that talent to rub off on me.
Make his picture your computer or cellphone wallpaper - A picture is worth a thousand words. So seeing his picture on your computer (or if he doesn’t see your computer, TELL him about it) will remind him that you think he’s handsome and want to look at him often.
Talk him up to the kids - Even if he’s not perfect…If the kids see only his difficult side…don’t try to persuade them to see/feel differently, just share with them one good thing they might not have caught on to about him. It’ll help preserve their relationship until the tough times blow over. Years ago, when my husband was stressed out and a little abrupt with the kids, I’d assure them during the day, “He may not have best way of showing it, but he is absolutely crazy about you…”
Make an Appreciation Sandwich - If you have something to get off your chest that might be hard for your partner to hear, start with something you appreciate about him (relative to the situation). Then insert your concern. Then end with assuring him that this one concern doesn’t mean you don’t love or feel loved by him, you simply wanted to be transparent with him. For example, once I used this approach to share a concern, “Sweetheart, I really appreciate how hard you’ve been working. But, I really miss feeling like a team here at home. I’m feeling lonely doing everything here by myself. It would really help if you’d do the dishes while I get the kids to sleep. Could you do that for me please? Seriously, though, I’m grateful that you make it possible for me to stay home with the kids…”
Tell him YOUR side of the “How we met” story - Share with him what you were thinking and feeling when you first took interest in him. Reminiscing can remind you both how awesome it was that you found each other. Retell the story every year…or even a few times a year.
“Seek first to understand…” - My favorite of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is “Seek first to understand. Then to be understood.” If you two have a disagreement, put on your Objective Journalist hat, and delve into his point of view. Don’t take anything he says personally - it’s not about you, it’s about him. Let him know, “I honestly just want to understand your perspective.” Then ask, “What’s most important to you in this situation? What did you feel inside when I said what I said? What were you thinking about me in that moment? What did you really want?” Then use HIS words to summarize his feelings, just to see if you got it right. Request that he listen to your perspective the following day. Once people feel heard and understood, they are more open and less hostile.
Say, “Thank You” Acknowledge the things he does that you feel he’s “supposed” to do. Recognize how important they are to you and to the family. Celebrate them verbally. Let him know, at random times, “Thank you so much for playing with the kids. I’m a happier mom knowing what great memories you’re making with them.” Or, “You work so hard to provide for us. When I see you bent over that desk, I am so grateful for all that you do. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being that kind of man.”

Now, I hope this all doesn’t sounds like some 1950s b.s. about showing reverence and deference to your husband, because these suggestions EQUALLY APPLY TO MEN LOVING THEIR WOMEN (…and women loving their women…and men loving their men…Love doesn’t discriminate, so why should I).

I’m addressing this to women because most of my readers are women, and I get tired of writing and reading “he/she” so it’s just easier to write it all one way.

Next up: 10 ways to show love using PHYSICAL TOUCH.

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How else do you use “Words of Affirmation” to show love to your partner?

Comment below.

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