Choice Theory: A Great Relationship-Healing Book

Will what I’m about to do or say
Draw this person closer, or push him (her) away?

Our first bookclub book of 2010 was William Glasser’s Choice Theory.  You can hear a 5 min clip here…followed by a 7 min clip here.

We were joined by Talibah Mbonisi, founder of WeParent, a co-parenting resource for people “who are living apart but parenting together.”  And also by Carmen P, a massage therapist in Boston, MA.

Control = Conflict
Choice Theory shows how the nasty little things we do to try to pull people closer to us, are the very things that drive them away.  Criticizing, complaining, nagging, bribing…are tactics we use to try to control others…to make them do what we want, or to punish them for not doing what we want.

But think about it…how much do you appreciate it when people try to manipulate you into being and doing what they want?  Probably not much.

We Can Only Give INFORMATION
The alternative is to accept that all you can give anyone (even your kids) is INFORMATION.  You cannot truly control any other human being…and trying to fosters resentment, not love.

Likewise, all anyone else can give you is INFORMATION, too.  People may complain, drop hints, criticize you…but YOU get to decide what to do with that information.  You can change what you’re doing, argue with them, feel bad…or you can simply accept that they’re sharing their point of view, which has every right to be different from yours.  Either way, you must take full responsibility for what you do and feel, because nobody can MAKE you do or feel ANYTHING.

Talibah, in our bookclub, beautifully pointed out how, in Glasser’s view, relationships are central to happiness.  If you’re unhappy, then somewhere in your life, you’re struggling with an unsatisfying relationship.  The key to curing whatever ails you - including depression and anxiety - is to heal your relationship.

What’s in Your Quality World?
We also had a lively discussion about Glasser’s concept of the “Quality World” - our mental image of things, people, situations that bring us pleasure.

Carmen gave a beautiful example of how conflicting things can exist in your “Quality World” - like owning a big screen TV (because it looks nice), vs watching less TV and having more money in savings.

How often are conflicting things on your wishlist?  You’d like to grow your savings, but you also want to own the latest techno-toys.  You’d like to eat whatever you want, but you also want to slim down.  How do you reconcile the two?  (Listen to the 7 min recording for two insightful answers.)

Another use of the Quality World is to work to stay IN the Quality World of the people you care about.

You can nag and punish your kid into submitting to your will, but you will push yourself right out of her Quality World, until she can’t wait to get away from you, or no longer listens to what you say.

Or, you can support and empathize with your child, stay in her Quality World, and you can guide her to do what’s right based on your good rapport.

Join Us
The next bookclub will be held on Tuesday, Feb 9, at 8:30pm NYC time.  We’ll be discussing The Five Love Languages, by Gary Campbell.

Register at www.MyHealingBooks.com, and join the conversation.  (That’s MyHealingBooksDotCom)

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Have you read William Glasser’s Choice Theory?

What did you love about it right away?

What concept was hard for you to accept?

Comment below.

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