Ego-Less Parenting: Getting out of our kids’ way

~ Parenting can be one huge ego trip! 
Just because we’re bigger and older, we can get carried away with believing that
we must thrust our wisdom upon our little ones. ~

The other day, my son Buddy (12), was upset about something that happened at a friend’s house.  He was freely expressing his frustration at how kids’ disputes were handled, how younger siblings were catered to even when they were being obnoxious.  You know, typical stuff.

At first I did my usual thing:  Asked questions.  Allowed him to verbalize his feelings.  Asked him to locate those feelings in his body (as in, “When the little brother does that, and you start to feel angry, how does that anger feel in your body?”).

Then, before I knew it, I started offering my two cents.  “You may want to try this…” and “Look at it this way…”

It’s so easy to slip into advice-giving.  It’s so habitual to think, “Got it!  I know where this should go.  Let’s cut to the chase.  I’ll tell you what you need to know to make this situation better.”

I noticed that he wasn’t…shall I say “receiving”…my suggestions.  He kept saying what he was saying.

Then I noticed my slight frustration and checked in with myself.  “Venus,” I thought, “Are you really expecting him to shift gears and say, ‘Ah, yeah…you’re right.  I didn’t see it that way before.’”

I recognized that yes, indeed, I was waiting for him to be changed by my wisdom.  Then I laughed at myself.  My son wasn’t looking to be changed.  He was looking to be heard.

We all hate it when we’re just trying to vent…to articulate what we’re feeling so we can see it more clearly…and the person we’re venting to starts trying to “fix” the problem.  “You should do this.  Why did you do that?”

It’s infuriating for us as adults.  Why would we think it’s any different for kids?

If we want our kids to build their own “Insightful” muscles, and not just rely on others’ advice, we must support them with questions rather than answers.  The stronger their capacity for “Insight” and “Empathy,” the better decisions they’ll make we’re not around.

I returned my attention to my son during that conversation.  I listened more deeply, and started asking questions.

• What do you imagine the little brother wanted?
• What did you sense that he was feeling?
• Have you ever felt that way as a little brother?
• What did you want to say, but didn’t?
• How do you wish things had gone?
• What could you do or bring next time that might help things go more smoothly?

He seemed to feel relaxed, heard, and validated.  He stopped repeating himself, because he knew I “got it.”

When conversations go like this, I sense him feeling closer to me, rather than more distant.  I imagine that he feels understood and not judged.  He doesn’t hear me wishing he were different.  He hears me respecting his right to feel the way he feels.

Parenting can be one huge ego trip!  Just because we’re bigger and older, we can get carried away with believing that we must thrust our wisdom upon our little ones.

Often, what’s best is to help them tap into their own wisdom, by sharing more questions than answers.  This teaches them to self-reflect, tune into their own inner guidance, and be led by values of empathy and compassion.

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