How do we break the poor and destructive patterns and start the healing process?

Q:  How do we break the poor and destructive patterns and start the healing process? – Nava

A:  When we’re stuck in “patterns,” we’re not fully present.  Instead of responding constructively and creatively to the present situation, we react hostily and habitually, based on memories of the past.

To break out of destructive patterns and start the healing process, we must become conscious, instead of unconscious.  We must let go of our desire to control others.  We must trust that we’ll be ok if everyone doesn’t see everything our way.

To stop hurting and start healing, follow the A, B, C approach:  Awareness, Bravery, Communication.

1. Awareness – Like they say, “The first step, is admitting you have a problem.”  Observe yourself to become aware of how you’re contributing to the pattern.  What triggers you?  What happens inside you when the negativity starts?  What are you feeling?  Thinking?  What earlier incident are you reminded of?

2. Bravery – Another famous saying is, “Bravery (or Courage) isn’t the absence of fear, but the capacity to act in spite of it.”  Patterns are familiar and comforting, even if they’re painful.  Be brave enough to risk being wrong, to let go of the need to control the outcome.  Be brave enough to just BE (and allow him to BE) in an authentic way – flaws and all.

3. Communication – The healing process begins with a new way of talking through conflicts.  Conflicts can actually be constructive, rather than destructive, when you communicate honestly about what you feel, think and want, without blaming, criticizing, judging, or holding the other responsible for your well-being. 

Try saying things like, “When you did…, I felt…” as opposed to “You made me feel…when you did…”  It’s a subtle but HUGE difference.  In the first statement, you’re simply sharing information about how you felt when a specific thing happened.  In the second, you’re holding the other responsible (“You MADE me feel…”)

It’d be great if BOTH of you learn to do this simultaneously.  But the change can start with just you.  To paraphrase Mahatma Gandhi’s famous quote, “BE the change you want to SEE in your relationship.”  If show up in a HEALING way, rather than a destructive way, the effects will ripple through your relationships.  Watch what happens.

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