Marriage Can Get Better Every Year
September 28, 2009 by Venus Taylor
Filed under Articles, Couples
This summer breathed even more new life into my 20 year marriage.
I took the summer off from writing articles, and focused it on reconnecting deeply with my family. And the payoffs were HUGE.
The first 18 years of our marriage were held together by duct tape and shoestring. I won’t go into it now, because my book will be out soon enough.
What I can tell you is that two years ago I learned some new ways to BE. I learned some new things to DO. And now I HAVE the marriage I always wanted.
You’ll find me writing a lot about BE-DO-HAVE. Living this principle is the best way to create the life and relationships you wish to create.
Most of us live the opposite way: HAVE-DO-BE. We put all our energy into trying to HAVE what we want (the right car, job, salary, marriage, kids). Because only then (only after having what we want) do we believe we can DO what we want (impress our friends, buy that house, take romantic getaways). And doing those things will help us to BE what we want (happy, rich, loved, peaceful).
I’ll be illustrating (and you’ll be able to experience for yourself) how BEING who you want to BE is the number one way to heal your marriage (and your life) in my marriage workshops - launching Fall 2009.
For now, just ask yourself - especially if you’re in a relationship that isn’t exactly as you’d like it to be: Who do I want to BE? Or even, How do I want to be?
If you want to be happy, peaceful, loving, confident - what can YOU do today that will take you one step closer to that? Not what can HE do. What can YOU do?
What would it mean for you, today, to BE “Love?” To BE “Peace?” To BE “Joy?” To BE “Confidence?” What would that look like? What would you do?
This is the first step toward making your life, and your marriage, better and better every year.
What’s the second step? Stay tuned.
Share any insights in the comments section below.
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I Read the article about the husband who is upset because his wife has more experience. my situation is different but shares some of the same dynamics
My wife was much more active than me sexually - at least in terms of variety of partners while in high school and University.
She was a go for it kind of person, travelled and never had a problem with one night stands, short term relationships etc.
I on the other hand was never a “closer” and although I wanted to, had trouble getting to that stage
Anyway - HAve been married for 5 years, together for 9. I am 46 have 2 kids from my first marriage. She had no children from her marriage and from her common law relationships. We have a 3 year old together.
Now - I am lucky if I can convince her to have sex more than 1 every 2 months
So the issue is I am bitter! Bitter because she had more variety than me, more fun etc. Even caught her emailing a former lover about an elevator experience they had.
Ironically - I want more sex now - she doesn’t. Part of me thinks she feels like she doesn;’t have to - lots of good memories from “that time” in her life etc.
Seems unfair somehow? Any thoughts?
Gary
Hi Gary,
It is possible that your wife’s decreased interest in sex has nothing at all to do with her abundance of earlier experiences.
There are a few other factors that could contribute to her decreased availability sexually:
AGE - You mention that you’re 46, how old is she? Sometimes as people get older, their sexual energy wanes a bit.
MOTHERHOOD - You mention that you have a 3 year old. I can tell you from experience, and from talking to lots of moms of young children, the work involved in parenting kids under 5 can be exhausting. It can take up so much of your physical and mental energy that sex is, literally, the last thing on your mind.
EMOTIONAL DISTANCE - Quite often, especially with women, if we’re not feeling close, loved, supported, we simply don’t feel turned on, sexually. Unresolved issue, anger, hurt feelings, loneliness, can all block up the pipes and keep the sexual energy from flowing freely.
PHYSICAL CHANGES - Mostly, sexuality is an emotional issue. However, there are sometimes physical issues at play. She would need to consult her doctor to explore that possibility.
One of the most important things I encourage men in your situation to do is to LISTEN. Has she been asking anything of you? Are there complaints that she frequently makes? (A complaint is a desire in disguise.)
LISTEN
Listen to her. Let her know that you want to love and support her the way she needs to be loved and supported…NOT just so you can get from her the sex that you want, but because you really want to be a life partner with her.
Use your words to let her know that you get what she’s saying and feeling.
One of the “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” is: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. The more you show her that you understand her feelings and desires, the more open she will be to understanding yours.
SHARE YOUR HEART
After ensuring that you’ve really heard and understood her, then share your heart with her.
Use “I-statements” - don’t use blaming, accusing words. Words like, “When you said you didn’t want to make love with me, I felt hurt/sad/angry,” open your heart and share your feelings. Whereas, words like, “Are we ever gonna have sex again? What is it with you?” just come off as accusing and hurtful - they won’t make the situation better.
CONSULTATION
Gary, I wish you the best with your wife and family. I would recommend the book, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. It’ll help you and your wife learn to express love in ways that each of you understands. Check out Gary Chapman’s website: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com.
If you find you require more support (just you or you and your wife together), email me to set up a free 30-minute consultation. We’ll flesh out your ideas about the marriage you want, and I’ll describe the Marriage Healing program I use to coach couples back to deep intimacy.
Hope this was helpful,
Venus