50 Ways to Love Your Lover: 41-50 (SERVICE)

THIS ONE IS PRIMARILY FOR THE GUYS

I tried and tried to keep this one targeted to women as I’ve done with the other four.  But when it comes to “Acts of Service,”  traditionally, women don’t need prompting.  We can do “Acts of Service” in our sleep.

However, IN GENERAL (there are exceptions), it’s our men/partners/husbands/boyfriends who could use a little schooling on “How to Show Love Through Acts of Service.”

It’s not that men don’t love - they love powerfully.  It’s just that our culture doesn’t train them (the way it trains us) to think, “What can I do to brighten this woman’s day, to help her out with all that she does?”  Typically (there are exceptions), men are taught that earning money and having sex are great ways to express love.

Too often, we women feel unloved and under-appreciated.  We feel taken for granted.  We feel alone.  And our men scratch their heads wondering, “Why are you complaining so much?”

So, gentlemen, this one’s for you.

Ladies, cut and paste this list in an email to your man, with asterisks beside the ones you like most.

Or, better yet, have a conversation with him that starts like this, “Sweetheart, I love you so much.  And I am incredibly grateful for your love.  I have a few requests that, if you could do just 1 or 2 of them, would help me to feel so much less alone and so much more connected to you…”

Then share with him the 3 or 4 items from the list below that, if he did just 1, would really feel like “love” to you.

10 Ways to Show Love Through Acts of Service

1. Wash or Clean one thing - Her car, the kitchen floor, a chaotic closet.  So often, a woman juggling lots of roles - mother, daughter, wife, friend, employee, boss - just can’t get to EVERYTHING.  The smallest assistance would help her feel so loved.  (Cleaning things always falls to the bottom of my To Do list.  In college, both my best girlfriend and my soon-to-be husband washed my car (at different times) just because.  It felt more loving than any physical gift.)
2. Massage or Backrub - Doesn’t have to be professional quality.  Doesn’t have to last more than 5 minutes.  Just the feel of your hands on her back would melt away the stress of the day.  (My man’s big hands on my small back remind me of his strength and my femininity - a real turn on.)
   
3. Meet and greet - Men, when you come home from work…if she’s already there…take the 30 minutes or so you need to decompress.  Then ask her, at least once a week, “What could I do that would help you most right now?”  A few times a week would be even better.  But even once a week would be a huge help.
4. Share the load - Doing work together makes any job less burdensome.  Laundry, dinner, envelope stuffing, sorting Legos to sell on Ebay - just move in beside her and pitch in.  Often a woman is turned on by simply not feeling alone in everything she does.
5. Volunteer your strength - What is “play” for you may be “work” for her.  If you have a knack for balancing the budget and she hates doing the bills, then YOU do them.   If you’re naturally more organized, or a great cook, and she struggles with these things, then YOU take on those roles in the house.
6. Run an errand for her while you’re out - Before you get home, at least once a week, call and ask her if she needs anything.
7. Do the same (#6) in the house - Just say, “I’m heading to the kitchen, can I get you anything?”
8. Take the kids - If your partner is the primary care giver for the kids, she may be worn out DAILY.  Raising children works muscles that you can’t see.  It can be exhausting.  If she’s with the kids more than you are, show your love for her by taking them off to do something fun once in a while, leaving her in a quiet, peaceful house to do whatever she pleases.  Or choose to be the one that gets them ready for bed.  [NOTE:  You'll stress her out more if you're harsh with the kids.  Make them happy and you'll make her happy.]
9. Send her away - Ask her if she’s the type that would enjoy a get-away.  Then plan a day (or weekend) when you’ll manage everything at home and let her go off and do whatever would rejuvenate her.  Even 3 hours, to just read a book or hear her own thoughts, can feel like a good break.
10. Make or Order food - Again, if she’s the one who normally works to feed everybody, take that responsibility on once or twice a week.

With most women I know, little acts like this would go a long way.

Here’s how you’ll know if “Acts of Service” is your partner’s love language:  You’ll hear her saying things like, “I could really use your help around here,” or “I feel like I do everything,” or even, “How could I possibly want sex right now when I’m so worn out?”

If this is her love language, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been showing her love in other ways…she won’t feel it.  Her love tank will be empty.

Fill her love tank and YOURS will overflow.

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Ladies, what other “Acts of Service” help you to feel truly loved and connected?

Comment below.

*   *   *

Read all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service

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50 Ways to Love Your Lover: 11-20 (TOUCH)

Gary Chapman really earned my respect in The Five Love Languages when he explained that men often crave sex more than women due to hormonal differences - DUH, right?  But my favorite part was this:  THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEIR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE IS PHYSICAL TOUCH.

If you bracket the hormone-induced desire for sex, and listen to what your partner requests or complains about most, you can hear clues to his true primary love language.  For example, if he often exclaims, “You’re going out with your friends AGAIN,” that could be a sign that his love language is Quality Time.  Or if he asks, “What do you like about me,” could be his love language is Words of Affirmation.

One other thing:  Physical Touch doesn’t always equal “Sex.”  There are dozens of ways to show love through physical touch that don’t immediately proceed or coincide with sex.

So, if you and your partner check out Gary Chapman’s book or website, and discover that one or both of you has a primary love language of Physical Touch, here are…

10 WAYS to Love Your Lover through Touch

1. Rub his back – Since most of us can’t touch our backs by ourselves, it’s a very neglected body part.  The feel of a soft hand (not even massaging, just stroking), can be wonderfully comforting.
2. Place his hands where you like to be touched – I get a kick out of taking my husband’s hands and placing them on my face. I don’t know why, but I like the feel of his hands on my face. And I think he enjoys knowing that his touch is sacred to me.
3. Cuddle – Just being physically close is spiritually and emotionally rejuvenating. Lay your leg across his lap while reading a book. Put your head on his shoulder while watching TV. Stroke his arm while he’s driving (if he’s not easily distracted).
4. Play – Chase, tickle, piggy back ride. Remember the physical fun of being a kid? The thrill of being chased. The suspense of that handslapping game (where you try to move your hands before the other person can slap them). No law says you can’t still have fun like that.
5. Kiss him in unusual places – A sweet, delicate, adoring kiss on the cheek, forehead, back, bicep, knee…can be surprisingly stimulating.
6. Try to memorize his body – Close your eyes and run your hands over a particular part of your man’s body. Could you identify it in a line-up, blindfolded? Could you sculpt it from memory? What curves, textures, angles are uniquely his? What do the veins in his hands feel like? How would you map the hair on his thigh?
7. Massage a body part – Ask him in which body part he holds the most stress.  Then offer him a 5 minute massage of that part. Doesn’t have to be a professional level massage. Touch is healing. Just a nice oiled rub will do. Note:  If it’s his back - which part?  Upper?  Lower?  I spent years massaging my husband’s upper back before we discovered that he gets the most benefit from a lower back rub.  Another note: If he’s not sore, and you’d like to massage him anyway, try his hands or feet.  They’re small, and appreciate the attention. 
8. Ten Touches a Day – Add completely unnecessary touches to your day. Touch his hand when he passes the salt. Graze his butt with yours as you’re passing in the hall. No reason. No excuse. Just for the fun of it. See if you can add 10 no-reason touches a day.
9. Mold your hand to your favorite body part – What’s your favorite body part on him? Explore how your hand is like a puzzle piece that fits that part perfectly. You were made for each other. I like to rest my finger in my husband’s chin dimple. It’s like his chin was made as a finger-rest for me. Then I notice other parts fit in there too, like my nose, my teeth. It’s fun.
10. Measure body parts - Hands, feet, arms.  Whose is bigger?  Smaller?  Wider?  Warmer?  No reason.  Just a casual, fun thing to do that presses body parts against each other.

Again, I mostly talk to women loving men…but this stuff works well with anyone.  And if  YOUR primary love language is Physical Touch, then ASK for these things.  Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. TEACH him or her how to speak your love language.

Next up:  Expressing love in the language of Quality Time.

*   *   *

What other non-intercourse-related ways can you show love through Physical Touch?

Comment below.

*   *   *

See all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service (coming soon)

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50 Ways to Love Your Lover: 1-10 (WORDS)

How full is your love tank?  Are you feeling fully loved, appreciated, connected to your partner?
How full is your partner’s love tank?  Ready to learn how to top it off?

Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages is a great toolkit for couples wanting to draw closer and strengthen their bond.  It teaches how you and your partner can learn each other’s primary love language (i.e., what makes each of you feel the most loved), and then learn to speak that language fluently.

If you haven’t read the book, check out Gary Chapman’s website to learn about the 5 Love Languages.

As we wrap up February (”The Month’O'Love”), I’ll sharing with you 10 WAYS to express love to your partner in each of the 5 LOVE LANGUAGES.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

If you feel tingly, appreciated, and loved when your partner tells you all the wonderful things he likes about you, speaks highly of you to other people, compliments your hair, body, or personality…then your primary love language may be WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

If that’s your partner’s primary love language - if he beams with pride and swells with confidence when you tell him how awesome he is - then here are 10 ways to show him love in a way that he’ll REALLY appreciate.  (Hey, there are 10 months left in this year, right?  How about focusing on one each month?)

1. Describe one way that he excites you - Observe your physical reaction when he comes into a room, or says your name, or touches your back.  Then, in a tender moment, put your physical reaction into words.  Let your heart pour out of your mouth.  One Valentine’s Day, I wrote my husband a note saying, “I may not always show it, but when I hear your car pull up into the driveway, every hair on my arm knows you’re home.”  That man felt SO loved, he showed that note to everyone in his office.
2. Tell his family how awesome he is - Not just in a general way.  Be specific.  Tell them one thing he did or said that you especially liked.  Or describe the quality that you most respect about him.
3. Use the word, “Respect” - When he’s telling a story about work, a hobby, or his friends, pay attention to what the story says about him as a person.   Does the story illustrate his great sense of humor?  His ability to see the good in people?  His undying loyalty?  His courage?  His honesty?  His steadfast determination?  After his story, tell him how much you respect that quality in him.  When I tell my husband, “I really respect how patient you can be with difficult people,” or “I have the greatest respect for your work ethic,” I can see him take that into himself.  He pauses for half a beat, and, I believe, respects that part of himself as well.
4. Use the word, “Admire” - “Admire” can be used in a similar way as “Respect.”  But the feeling each inspires can be different.  To me, “Respect” simply acknowledges the other person for who they are, while “Admire” suggests that you find their qualities particularly desirable (that’s just IMHO…observe how do they feel for you).   I admire my husband’s ability to tell really entertaining stories about his childhood.  When I tell him so, he gets that I enjoy his talent, I get that I’d like some of that talent to rub off on me.
5. Make his picture your computer or cellphone wallpaper - A picture is worth a thousand words.  So seeing his picture on your computer (or if he doesn’t see your computer, TELL him about it) will remind him that you think he’s handsome and want to look at him often.
6. Talk him up to the kids - Even if he’s not perfect…If the kids see only his difficult side…don’t try to persuade them to see/feel differently, just share with them one good thing they might not have caught on to about him.  It’ll help preserve their relationship until the tough times blow over.  Years ago, when my husband was stressed out and a little abrupt with the kids, I’d assure them during the day, “He may not have best way of showing it, but he is absolutely crazy about you…”
7. Make an Appreciation Sandwich - If you have something to get off your chest that might be hard for your partner to hear, start with something you appreciate about him (relative to the situation).  Then insert your concern.  Then end with assuring him that this one concern doesn’t mean you don’t love or feel loved by him, you simply wanted to be transparent with him.  For example, once I used this approach to share a concern, “Sweetheart, I really appreciate how hard you’ve been working.  But, I really miss feeling like a team here at home.  I’m feeling lonely doing everything here by myself.  It would really help if you’d do the dishes while I get the kids to sleep.  Could you do that for me please?  Seriously, though, I’m grateful that you make it possible for me to stay home with the kids…”
8. Tell him YOUR side of the “How we met” story - Share with him what you were thinking and feeling when you first took interest in him.  Reminiscing can remind you both how awesome it was that you found each other.  Retell the story every year…or even a few times a year.
9. “Seek first to understand…” -  My favorite of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is “Seek first to understand.  Then to be understood.”  If you two have a disagreement, put on your Objective Journalist hat, and delve into his point of view.  Don’t take anything he says personally - it’s not about you, it’s about him.  Let him know, “I honestly just want to understand your perspective.”  Then ask, “What’s most important to you in this situation?  What did you feel inside when I said what I said?  What were you thinking about me in that moment?  What did you really want?”  Then use HIS words to summarize his feelings, just to see if you got it right.  Request that he listen to your perspective the following day.  Once people feel heard and understood, they are more open and less hostile.
10. Say, “Thank You” Acknowledge the things he does that you feel he’s “supposed” to do.  Recognize how important they are to you and to the family.  Celebrate them verbally.  Let him know, at random times, “Thank you so much for playing with the kids.  I’m a happier mom knowing what great memories you’re making with them.”  Or, “You work so hard to provide for us.  When I see you bent over that desk, I am so grateful for all that you do.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being that kind of man.”

Now, I hope this all doesn’t sounds like some 1950s b.s. about showing reverence and deference to your husband, because these suggestions EQUALLY APPLY TO MEN LOVING THEIR WOMEN (…and women loving their women…and men loving their men…Love doesn’t discriminate, so why should I).

I’m addressing this to women because most of my readers are women, and I get tired of writing and reading “he/she” so it’s just easier to write it all one way.

Next up:  10 ways to show love using PHYSICAL TOUCH.

*   *   *

How else do you use “Words of Affirmation” to show love to your partner?

Comment below.

*   *   *

See all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service (coming soon)

Tweet This Post