Michael and Me

As Michael Jackson is laid to rest, I just wanna say . . . . . . . .

I AM NOT A GROUPIE.  Let’s just get that right out there on the table.

So I was surprised to find myself crying the other day while singing an old Michael Jackson song, “Wings of My Love.”  Wait, whoa, I thought, No-no-no, I’m not the type of person who cries over celebrities.  What is this about?

That’s when I remembered:  Michael Jackson, at a certain point in my life, was not a celebrity.  Back when I was 6, he represented something real and personal to me.

“Wings of My Love” is the song that played in my head when I was being abused by my step-father.  At age 6, I sincerely believed Michael was sending me a message through that song:

MICHAEL WAS COMING TO SAVE ME.

One day, he would be there, and I would “Climb on the wings of his love,” wave good-bye to my family, and live happily ever after.  The way I saw it, all I had to do was hold on…to hope…to sanity.

“‘Til you break those ties that bind / ‘Til the day you’re really mine / Anytime you wanna leave the world behind / Just climb on the wings of my love…”

And that’s what I did.  I escaped into the fantasy of being with Michael, or with someone like him, who would care for me in a healthy way.

(The human psyche is a wonderful, powerful thing.  Your mind can take you far from your body when what’s happening to your body is psychologically unbearable.)

The other day, after watching the independent film, “Good Dick,” about a girl who had been similarly abused, my husband asked, “How did you survive?  How did you maintain your belief in love?”

It all came back to Michael, and other male vocalists who painted a picture of the kind of love I wanted.  Songs like “Wings of My Love,” “Got to Be There,” “I Can’t Help It,” “I Like Dreamin’” (by Kenny Nolan), “Even the Nights Are Better” (by Air Supply) - these songs convinced me that there were men out there who loved tenderly, respectfully, unselfishly.

In the 80s, my friends couldn’t understand why I chose soft rock over rap.  Why I stopped listening to WGCI in Chicago, and defected to Q101.

Now I know that the romantic lyrics were an important part of my healing.  They kept me focused on what I wanted.  Whereas rap lyrics just seemed to glorify the very thing I didn’t want:  sexual objectification.

For the first few days after Michael’s death, I let myself feel the sadness.  Sometimes I was sad for him, because HE never seemed to find real happiness.

As ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes I was sad for the 6-year-old girl whose dream never came true:  He never came for me.

Today, as he is memorialized in a public ceremony, I am in a different place.  I am grateful that he was there to help me hold on.

IN A WAY…MICHAEL DID SAVE ME…JUST NOT IN THE WAY I IMAGINED.

Today, I celebrate every one and everything that helped me survive, cross over, stay sane.  Every mentor, every songwriter, every author, every teacher - some I have thanked personally, others may not know me or remember me.  By shining the light of love, they were a beacon of hope for a little girl lost.  (OK, enough sappy “Have you seen my childhood” stuff. )

If your childhood was less-than-great…Who gave you hope?  What images symbolized the life you wanted to create for yourself?

Michael never knew how much he touched me (and a million others, I’m sure).  Likewise, we touch the lives of others in ways we may never know.

How are you being a blessing to others?  What mark are you leaving on the world?

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The Rihanna Lesson: Teaching Our Daughters Self-Love

As a mom, this recent news story about a young, female pop singer being (allegedly) brutally beaten by her boyfriend has struck me in a tender place.

I can’t help but ask, “How can I make sure my daughter would never tolerate an (allegedly) abusive relationship?”

My daughter’s only 14, and I would never be so arrogant as to assume this could never happen to her.  However, I trust that some of the choices I’ve made while parenting her, have developed such a deep sense of self-love and self-respect, that she would not tolerate anyone hurting her in the name of love.

Parenting With The End In Mind

In my book, Becoming the Mom I Wish I’d Had: How to Heal Yourself and Your Family Through HEART-Based Parenting, I write about Parenting With the End in Mind.  In other words, envision the person you want your kid to be 10-20 YEARS down the road, and letting that vision guide your actions TODAY.

For instance, when my daughter was a newborn, I held her and imagined the woman I wanted her to become.  More than anything, I knew I wanted her to love herself so genuinely that low self-esteem, peer pressure, or tolerating abuse would never be issues for her.

When I asked myself, What can I do NOW to increase the chance that she’ll have tremendous self-love and self-respect as a young woman, a few ideas came to mind:

1. DO NOT HIT - Hitting my daughter might teach her to accept being hit by people she loves.  I absolutely do not want her to accept abuse in any relationship.  So I never made it a practice to hit her, no matter what she did.  (I admit in the book, I slipped up a time or two, but never as a practice.)
2. RESPECT HER FEELINGS - So many parents show no respect for their children as human beings, but then want the kids to respect themselves.  We respect our children by honoring their right to their own feelings, thoughts, and desires - even when they differ from our own.  We show respect by treating our children as people, not as things - by not demeaning or criticizing them in ways that we would never do to friends.  Supporting my daughter’s right to her own opinion, I hope, has taught her to expect the same support from anyone else who claims to love her.
3. KEEP HER TUNED INTO HERSELF - I’ve gone to great lengths to keep my daughter tuned into her own spirit and intuition.  So, instead of teaching her to blindly obey my commands (as if that would ever have worked anyway), I’ve always asked her, “What is your gut telling you?” and “What does your heart say?”  I won’t always be around when she must make important decisions - she’s got to learn to listen to her inner voice.  When we support kids in tapping their own inner wisdom, they learn to do what’s right, even when no one is around to enforce the rules.

The hope is that my daughter will never find herself in an abusive relationship.  But if she ever did, I trust that she will ultimately return to her original state of self-love, self-respect, and self-protection.

What else do you believe is important to do with our daughters TODAY, to ensure they have healthy relationships TOMORROW?

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Letter to Rihanna - You Are Already With Your Perfect Partner

Dear Rihanna (or anyone in what feels like an imperfect relationship),

Just a quick note of support for you during this trying time.

You are dealing publicly with a situation that many women - young and old - are dealing with privately.  And let me be the first to say that, we, the public, have no right to judge you for your decisions.

I just want to share one thing I’ve learned as I’ve studied relationships over the years:  We are always with our perfect partner.

I believe, as spirits, we are here to learn and grow.  Our life experiences are exactly the ones we require to learn and grow, and to really figure out once and for all WHO WE REALLY ARE.

We stay in situations, good or bad, for as long as it takes to learn what we most need to learn.  And no one can say how long it should take.

Once we learn the lesson, we move on.  If we keep repeating a lesson, we haven’t truly learned it.  But when we finally GET it, once and for all, we can be grateful for the experience that taught us so well.

Only you can know what your current situation is intended to teach you.  And often we don’t know, consciously.  All we know is that our gut says, “Stay put,” or “Leave now,” and we find ourselves doing what we can’t even explain.

If your partner is abusive, perhaps the lesson you ultimately learn is:  I am good, and worthy of my own love…I am strong enough to stand alone…I deserve tenderness and respect.

Once this lesson is learned - once you truly, deeply believe these things without exception - then you will honor yourself and not tolerate an environment that is not worthy of you.

When you are gone, you will look back and know that THAT partner was perfect for you at THAT time…because without those experiences, you would not know what you know today.  THAT partner was perfect at THAT time, because you were receiving the love you thought you deserved at that time.

When you truly know who you are and what you’re worth, you will not tolerate the unacceptable.

I wish you love and strength,

Venus

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