Summer of Bonding

I fully intended to continue writing articles this summer.  But something came over me, and I found myself compelled to rebalance my life.

For the past two years, I’ve spent as little time as possible focusing on my two kids, and as much time as possible focusing on building my business and writing my book.  Since I homeschool my kids (ages 12 & 14), that’s a problem.

My daughter, the super-self-motivated one, was doing ok academically, but emotionally, she was struggling.  By this June, she’d become short-tempered, easily frustrated, angry, and mean.

You might say, well, that’s typical 14 year old behavior.  But I don’t believe in that, because I’ve seen the other side.  I’ve seen other teens, and my own, grow softer, sweeter, more helpful, and more generous with just one simple principle:  TIME & ATTENTION.

We parents easily believe that, just because kids are older and more self-sufficient (they can cook, do chores, and bathe themselves), that they require less of our time and attention.  That is completely untrue.

TEENS NEED OUR TIME AND ATTENTION ALMOST AS MUCH AS TODDLERS.

The more time we spend with our teens - talking, playing games, listening to music, reading books, making meals, cleaning house - the more grounded and connected they feel.

WHAT WE CARE ABOUT MOST, WE SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH.

Remember when you were dating that special someone?  Didn’t you spend as much time as you could BEING with that person, THINKING about that person, TALKING about that person?

If you have a hobby or a talent you want to perfect, don’t you spend as much time as you possibly can DOING that activity, or READING about that field?

Similarly, the amount of time we spend with our kids, shows them how much we truly care about them.  How much we enjoy their company.  How much we like them as people.

And, during the teen years, kids welcome every opportunity to be liked as people.  As just “themselves” with no strings attached.

They are learning more about who they are, and who they wish to be.  Their friends may or may not know how to support them unconditionally.  As they grow, change, explore new ideas, question former assumptions, make their stakes in the ground then do a complete 180 - WE can be their safe haven.

Our teens need a relationship with us that is loving, close, non-judgmental, and supportive.  They need us to KNOW them.  To SEE them.  To LOVE them, however they show up.

So, I took time away from my business (which I also “love”), and gave it to my kids (and my husband).  And the results were unbelievable.

My daughter, now, is calmer, more giggly, more flexible.  She greets her little brother’s teasing with more lightness and humor.  She is patient with him, and with herself.  She can handle frustrations - like learning Algebra and Geometry - with grace and confidence.

And she hugs me all the time.  We feel close again.  We enjoy spending time together.  We listen to “This American Life” podcasts, and watch “30 Days” and talk about life together.

It would have made no sense for me to spend ALL my energy delivering workshops (coming soon) to help other parents stay connected or reconnect with their kids, if my relationship with my kids fell apart.

If you have a good foundation with a kid, if you make a mistake as you build on it, you can always go back and fix it.

If you don’t have a good foundation - if you and your kid got off on the wrong foot - it’s never too late to start.

Soon I’ll be announcing workshops, filled with GREAT techniques to help you bond with your child, and exploring how that bonded relationship is the key to helping them thrive in school and in life.

Stay tuned.

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