“My husband doesn’t trust me”

Q:  My husband can’t forgive me for betraying his trust.  It has been 3 years.  I don’t know what else to do. ~ “V,” Northern Natal

A:  Let it go.

It can be painful when others do not feel what we want them to feel - love, tenderness, forgiveness.  But it only hurts as long as we focus on what we cannot control.

There is nothing you can do to change what your husband feels.  He, too, is focusing on what he cannot control - the past, you, and your actions in the past/present/future.

When we focus on what we cannot control, we can’t help but feel pain.  Continuing to do so just leads to more frustration.

Instead, focus on what you can control and on what you want to feel.

What can you control?  Your actions and your thoughts.  Act in loving ways toward YOURSELF and toward him.  If he won’t forgive you, then YOU forgive you.  Shower yourself with the tenderness you seek from him.

Think about what makes you feel good.  Thinking about his unforgiveness doesn’t feel so great?  Then stop focusing on it.  Focus, instead, on things that bring your heart joy:  the favorite part of your job, your favorite hobby, your fun friends.

As you radiate love and joy, it’ll be hard for anyone NOT to feel attracted to you (your husband included) - and not just romantically.

If your husband wants to bring up the past, create a phrase that rolls off your tongue, and simply repeat it anytime the subject comes up.  Something like, “I was wrong.  I hurt you.  I’m sorry.  But from now on, I’m focusing on love.”

If he wants to miss the Love Party, that’s on him.

~ He can either happily join you in the present, or stay miserably stuck in the past.
That’s his choice.  What you focus on is your choice. ~

If he questions you every time you leave the house, answer his questions without reacting to the assumptions you sense underneath them.  You have nothing to hide.  You don’t have to feel judged.  You can choose to see it as “Ooh, he has a passionate interest in me.  He loves and misses me so much, he wants to know how I spend every minute of the day.” (How you feel is determined by how you interpret what is happening.)

If you prefer not to answer a litany of questions, say so.  “Honey, when you asked that question, I felt a wave of anger rush over me.  I said to myself, ‘He doesn’t trust me.’  If that’s true, even answering your questions won’t fix it.  So it may anger you, but I am choosing not to answer questions like that anymore.”

[If the woman who submitted this question truly lives in Africa, the following paragraph may or may not be culturally relevant.  You be the judge.  If not, my apologies.]

Determine how long you can stay committed to someone who sends you negative energy.  Tell him honestly and lovingly, “I’ve decided our relationship must feel better than it does now within the next 6 months.  If it doesn’t, I’ll have to move out for a few months.  This negative energy feels draining to me.  So let’s give it our best shot at resolving this, ok?”

In the end, how he feels is up to him.  What you feel and what you do is up to you.  Neither of you can control each other.

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Choice Theory: A Great Relationship-Healing Book

Will what I’m about to do or say
Draw this person closer, or push him (her) away?

Our first bookclub book of 2010 was William Glasser’s Choice Theory.  You can hear a 5 min clip here…followed by a 7 min clip here.

We were joined by Talibah Mbonisi, founder of WeParent, a co-parenting resource for people “who are living apart but parenting together.”  And also by Carmen P, a massage therapist in Boston, MA.

Control = Conflict
Choice Theory shows how the nasty little things we do to try to pull people closer to us, are the very things that drive them away.  Criticizing, complaining, nagging, bribing…are tactics we use to try to control others…to make them do what we want, or to punish them for not doing what we want.

But think about it…how much do you appreciate it when people try to manipulate you into being and doing what they want?  Probably not much.

We Can Only Give INFORMATION
The alternative is to accept that all you can give anyone (even your kids) is INFORMATION.  You cannot truly control any other human being…and trying to fosters resentment, not love.

Likewise, all anyone else can give you is INFORMATION, too.  People may complain, drop hints, criticize you…but YOU get to decide what to do with that information.  You can change what you’re doing, argue with them, feel bad…or you can simply accept that they’re sharing their point of view, which has every right to be different from yours.  Either way, you must take full responsibility for what you do and feel, because nobody can MAKE you do or feel ANYTHING.

Talibah, in our bookclub, beautifully pointed out how, in Glasser’s view, relationships are central to happiness.  If you’re unhappy, then somewhere in your life, you’re struggling with an unsatisfying relationship.  The key to curing whatever ails you - including depression and anxiety - is to heal your relationship.

What’s in Your Quality World?
We also had a lively discussion about Glasser’s concept of the “Quality World” - our mental image of things, people, situations that bring us pleasure.

Carmen gave a beautiful example of how conflicting things can exist in your “Quality World” - like owning a big screen TV (because it looks nice), vs watching less TV and having more money in savings.

How often are conflicting things on your wishlist?  You’d like to grow your savings, but you also want to own the latest techno-toys.  You’d like to eat whatever you want, but you also want to slim down.  How do you reconcile the two?  (Listen to the 7 min recording for two insightful answers.)

Another use of the Quality World is to work to stay IN the Quality World of the people you care about.

You can nag and punish your kid into submitting to your will, but you will push yourself right out of her Quality World, until she can’t wait to get away from you, or no longer listens to what you say.

Or, you can support and empathize with your child, stay in her Quality World, and you can guide her to do what’s right based on your good rapport.

Join Us
The next bookclub will be held on Tuesday, Feb 9, at 8:30pm NYC time.  We’ll be discussing The Five Love Languages, by Gary Campbell.

Register at www.MyHealingBooks.com, and join the conversation.  (That’s MyHealingBooksDotCom)

*   *   *

Have you read William Glasser’s Choice Theory?

What did you love about it right away?

What concept was hard for you to accept?

Comment below.

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My child won’t obey without punishments and threats. What can I do?

Q: My 3-year-old daughter is constantly getting time outs at daycare and at home.

I have to basically put the fear of a “butt pop” into her to get her to do what she is asked to do - anything from “come here” to “stop stomping.” When given a directive, she just takes her time (purposefully moving slow or ignoring me altogether).

Her daycare provider stated to me that “she doesn’t know a child’s place.” …Any advice to offer?

A: The toddler’s biological mission is to explore and establish her independence. It is her job to learn how to exercise power over her own body - from toilet training, to jumping, to figuring out how far to walk away from mommy and still be safe.

It is our job, as parents, not to squash that independence, but to support its healthy development.  In order to do that, we must first change how we PERCEIVE our kids.

Kids Are Good
When we see kids as “bad” or “oppositional” or “manipulative” we interpret their behavior in a negative way.  We perceive “battles” and “power struggles,” where there are none.  We pit ourselves against our children and believe we must “win,” and therefore, they must “lose.”

When we believe, deep down inside, that kids are ALWAYS good and well-intended - even when doing something we find inconvenient - then we can interpret their behavior as an expression of need or desire.  We can study their behavior to understand what they need or want at this stage of their lives, and then teach them appropriate ways of getting it.

For instance, what is your daughter’s behavior, at daycare and at home, telling you about what she most needs at this time?  [I just heard a chorus of readers say, "What she needs is a good whack on the behind."  I beg to differ.  Read on.]  Is she showing you that she needs more time to run and play, more freedom of movement?  Perhaps, given her age, she’s simply showing you that she needs a greater sense of independence - more power over her own actions - more time and space to explore the world on her own terms.

Observing her behavior non-judgmentally can show you what’s important to her - an important clue into her personality.  Then you can teach her better ways to express her needs - like how to say, “Mommy, five more minutes please?”  Or you can structure her life to give her more of what she’s seeking - like leaving her more free time, or getting her into a mommy and me dance class or drama guild.

Dangers of Punishment
Punishing children carries with it 3 negative consequences:

1. Missing out on the opportunity to teach children to better ways to express themselves and meet their needs. By punishing the behavior, we completely ignore the need behind the behavior (the need to be heard, the need for exploration).  That need continues to go unmet…often leading to a kid who’s shut down and frustrated, or more desperate misbehavior later in life.
2. Externalizing the motivation for good behavior. When kids learn to do what’s right out of fear of punishment, how do they develop the internal guidance system they’ll need later in life so they’ll do what’s right simply because it’s right?  How do they learn to do the right thing even if no one’s watching?  Even if they could get away with doing wrong?  Connecting with them by teaching them better ways to meet or express their needs keeps them connected to themselves, so they are motivated from within to do what’s right.
3. Damaging our relationship with kids. Punishing creates distance vs closeness; it promotes lying vs honesty.  Every time we hit or yell at our kids, we pull apart the fabric of our relationship one thread at a time.  Then, in later years, our relationship wears thin, or rips apart.

What to Do Instead
Here are 3 ways to support kids in discovering healthier ways to meet or express the needs underneath their (mis)behavior:

1. Acknowledge the Need Behind the Behavior. As in, “I know you want to run & have fun, sweetheart, but our that really annoys our neighbors.”  or “Yeah, it’s frustrating to stop doing what you’re doing when I call you.  Show me your ‘angry’ face.”  Habit 5, in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is, “Seek first to understand, THEN to be understood.”  A kid who feels understood has less of a need to “act out” to get his/her point across.
2. Provide More Choices. Giving young kids choices gives them a greater sense of control over their lives.  Try to turn as many daily “commands” as possible, into choices.  “You can have broccoli or carrots, which do you choose?”   Or “You can either run on your tippie-toes, or walk on your feet.”  Even, “Are you coming on your own, or do I have to carry you?”  Giving kids choices allows them to experience their growing control over their lives and bodies without having to be “contrary.”
3. Ask, “Is what I’m about to do going to bring me and this child closer or push us farther apart?” In the book, Choice Theory, Dr. William Glasser explains that it is more important to maintain a healthy relationship with a child than to force that child to obey your every command.  When kids feel close to us and respected by us, they are more inclined to do good things.

Overall, as adults, we must observe our own need to have “control” over children.  They are not objects, they are people.  Our job is to help them explore the world safely and to figure out who they are and who they want to be.  Our job is not to bend them to our will.

Beware of adults who believe your child’s will should be broken, or that she should be taught to “know her place.”  That kind of language reminds me of Sophia’s (Oprah’s) famous line in the Color Purple:  “Beat her.”

An environment where kids are respected as people - where adults help kids learn healthy ways to get their needs met - supports kids in feeling seen, heard, and understood.  Therefore, they feel less of a need to “act out.”

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