Help! My husband is upset that I have more sexual experience than he does…

Q:  How do I get my husband to forgive me for having more sexual experience than he does?  ~ C.V., California

Early in our relationship I made the mistake of telling my, now husband about my sexual history. Four years later, this is still affecting our relationship. I have had many more partners then him and he never lets me forget it. It has gotten to the point where this is affecting our intimacy. I have tried in every way I can think of to make him feel special but he can’t get over this. I feel hopeless. What can I do?

A:  Giving him the chance to feel heard may help him overcome his fear of inadequacy.

First of all, I would hesitate to call your honesty about your sexual history a “mistake.”  Perhaps you were attempting to be real and honest with your husband.   Transparency is a beautiful quality that can draw people closer.

It’s funny, our culture teaches that men are supposed to have much more sexual experience than women.  Who are these men supposed to be getting their experience with?

Your husband may feel insecure about the fact that you have more sexual experience than he does.  He may fear that, perhaps, he doesn’t measure up to others you have known (no pun intended).

However, instead of expressing his fear and insecurity (feelings that make him feel like he’s in the “one down” position), he’s projecting it onto you.  He is intentionally, or unintentionally, creating a situation where YOU are the one who feels in the “one down” position.

You shared this info with him BEFORE you were married…and the info didn’t stop you from getting married.  To me, that says that he loves you and your sexual history isn’t a big deal.  Now, it’s just about helping him to clear his true feelings about it.

TRY THIS:

1. Schedule a quiet evening for the two of you to talk intimately.  Tell him something like, “I want us to clear out some feelings that are getting in the way, so we can feel even closer to each other.”
2. Interview him about his experience being married to a woman with so much sexual experience.  Be curious, like a journalist or therapist who really wants to know his experience.  Don’t judge or take personally anything he has to say.  Your goal is simply to give him a chance to get out all of his feelings and thoughts, so he has a chance to feel completely heard on the subject.  Ask questions like:
   1. What did you FEEL inside when I first told you about my sexual history?  (Assure him that you want him to be totally honest, and that you suspect he might have had positive as well as negative feelings.)
   2. What were some of the things you were THINKING when you heard what I said?  What were you thinking about me?  What were you thinking about yourself or about our sexual relationship?
   3. What concerns you the most about being with a woman who’s got more sexual experience than you?
   4. What do you enjoy most about being with a woman who’s got more sexual experience than you?
   5. On a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied are you with our sexual relationship?  What could push it closer to a 10 or 11?
   6. Is there anything else you haven’t shared with me about your feelings towards me, or towards our sexual relationship?
3. After each question, 1 through 6, restate what he said, and ask him, “Did I get that right?  Did I miss anything?”  Let him repeat himself until he truly feels like you heard and understood what he said.
4. Thank him for being honest.  Hug him, if it feels right, and tell him how much you appreciate the amount of courage it takes to say things that are hard to hear (and hard to say).

How you handle yourself after that conversation could make or break your relationship - so this requires A LOT OF MATURITY on your part.

If you stay close to him, don’t take offense to anything he said, don’t punish or withdraw, simply value his honest perspective, you will make a giant leap in developing the level of intimacy you’re seeking.

Giving him a chance to be heard, without judgment or negative consequences, may help him to feel more secure and less defensive.

The following week, schedule another intimate talk.  This time, let him know that you want to be completely transparent to him.  You want him to know who you are and how you feel about things.  You want the two of you to be closer and more intimate.

THIS TIME:

1. Read or recite to him a list of all the things you appreciate about him.  Name the specific things he does around the house or for you.  Describe the role he plays in the family.
2. Then tell him, “Sweetheart.  I love you so much.  And you are so good for me.  But there are some things you have done that I’m really upset about, and I just want you to know.”  Read or recite 3 SPECIFIC THINGS he has done or said that you feel upset about.
3. After each one, say, “When you said/did that, I FELT _____.”   Open your heart and share an emotion:  sad, angry, hurt, offended, small, dirty.  Then add, “In my head, I was THINKING…”
4. Let him know, “I can’t control what you say or feel or think about me.  But I just want you to know I feel hurt when you do these things, and I’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t do that.”

Again, how you handle things AFTER this conversation will either help or hurt your marriage

Don’t expect this conversation to fix things forever more.  Be prepared to say again and again, “When you said that, I felt…”

You’ve just shared information with him.  You have NOT given him a directive he must follow “OR ELSE…”

The more you and your husband can share your vulnerable sides with each other..the more you can allow each other to know when you’re feeling hurt, sad, or insecure, the closer you’ll feel - and the more sensitive you’ll be toward each other’s feelings.

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