“My husband doesn’t trust me”

Q:  My husband can’t forgive me for betraying his trust.  It has been 3 years.  I don’t know what else to do. ~ “V,” Northern Natal

A:  Let it go.

It can be painful when others do not feel what we want them to feel - love, tenderness, forgiveness.  But it only hurts as long as we focus on what we cannot control.

There is nothing you can do to change what your husband feels.  He, too, is focusing on what he cannot control - the past, you, and your actions in the past/present/future.

When we focus on what we cannot control, we can’t help but feel pain.  Continuing to do so just leads to more frustration.

Instead, focus on what you can control and on what you want to feel.

What can you control?  Your actions and your thoughts.  Act in loving ways toward YOURSELF and toward him.  If he won’t forgive you, then YOU forgive you.  Shower yourself with the tenderness you seek from him.

Think about what makes you feel good.  Thinking about his unforgiveness doesn’t feel so great?  Then stop focusing on it.  Focus, instead, on things that bring your heart joy:  the favorite part of your job, your favorite hobby, your fun friends.

As you radiate love and joy, it’ll be hard for anyone NOT to feel attracted to you (your husband included) - and not just romantically.

If your husband wants to bring up the past, create a phrase that rolls off your tongue, and simply repeat it anytime the subject comes up.  Something like, “I was wrong.  I hurt you.  I’m sorry.  But from now on, I’m focusing on love.”

If he wants to miss the Love Party, that’s on him.

~ He can either happily join you in the present, or stay miserably stuck in the past.
That’s his choice.  What you focus on is your choice. ~

If he questions you every time you leave the house, answer his questions without reacting to the assumptions you sense underneath them.  You have nothing to hide.  You don’t have to feel judged.  You can choose to see it as “Ooh, he has a passionate interest in me.  He loves and misses me so much, he wants to know how I spend every minute of the day.” (How you feel is determined by how you interpret what is happening.)

If you prefer not to answer a litany of questions, say so.  “Honey, when you asked that question, I felt a wave of anger rush over me.  I said to myself, ‘He doesn’t trust me.’  If that’s true, even answering your questions won’t fix it.  So it may anger you, but I am choosing not to answer questions like that anymore.”

[If the woman who submitted this question truly lives in Africa, the following paragraph may or may not be culturally relevant.  You be the judge.  If not, my apologies.]

Determine how long you can stay committed to someone who sends you negative energy.  Tell him honestly and lovingly, “I’ve decided our relationship must feel better than it does now within the next 6 months.  If it doesn’t, I’ll have to move out for a few months.  This negative energy feels draining to me.  So let’s give it our best shot at resolving this, ok?”

In the end, how he feels is up to him.  What you feel and what you do is up to you.  Neither of you can control each other.

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My husband does not forgive or forget past hurts. What can I do?

Q:  My husband does not forgive/forget past hurts.  What can I do? – Estela

A:  It hurts when the one you love seems unable to forgive your past mistakes.  Unforgiveness can keep your relationship stuck:  You can’t go back and change the past, and you can’t move forward without letting it go.

Even if you’ve apologized, it is possible that your husband doesn’t feel completely heard.  He may keep re-explaining how hurt he was, because he’s just not sure you get it.

Active Listening is one way to assure him that you really get his point of view.  TRY THIS:
1. ASK – Sit facing him.  Ask him, “Sweetheart, please tell me again about this incident from your point of view.  Tell me exactly what I did, and what you felt and thought.” 

Watch him and listen intently.  Really work hard to understand how this incident felt and looked from his perspective. 

Don’t argue against him in your head.  Don’t defend or explain yourself.  JUST LISTEN.   (It may help to imagine he’s talking about someone else, not you.) 

2. REPEAT – When he’s done, repeat back what you understand to be the most important points he made.  USE HIS WORDS – Don’t paraphrase.

3. CLARIFY – Ask, “Did I get it?”  This step is crucial.  For him to feel thoroughly heard, he must trust that you understand everything about this situation that was important to him.

Let him repeat the whole thing again if necessary.  This may help him to finally get it off his chest.
 
4. MORE – Once he agrees that you’ve repeated everything correctly, ask, “Is there anything else you want me to know?”  This may help him to check his pain bucket and be sure it’s empty.

5. THANK – Thank him for sharing himself so honestly.  Instead of rushing to apologize or explain your side, just receive what he said.  Give him at least 24 hours to just savor the experience of being heard.

If you like, you can ask him, after a day or so, if he could repeat the Actively Listen to you while you share your perspective.

One last point:  Just like physical wounds, deeper ones take longer to heal.  Give him time to heal, but, meanwhile YOU forgive YOURSELF.  You can’t make him let it go.  But he also can’t make you feel guilty without your permission.  At some point, his hurt is more about him than about you. 

Have a question that you’d like to Ask Venus?  Click here to ask your question.

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