“My husband doesn’t trust me”

Q:  My husband can’t forgive me for betraying his trust.  It has been 3 years.  I don’t know what else to do. ~ “V,” Northern Natal

A:  Let it go.

It can be painful when others do not feel what we want them to feel - love, tenderness, forgiveness.  But it only hurts as long as we focus on what we cannot control.

There is nothing you can do to change what your husband feels.  He, too, is focusing on what he cannot control - the past, you, and your actions in the past/present/future.

When we focus on what we cannot control, we can’t help but feel pain.  Continuing to do so just leads to more frustration.

Instead, focus on what you can control and on what you want to feel.

What can you control?  Your actions and your thoughts.  Act in loving ways toward YOURSELF and toward him.  If he won’t forgive you, then YOU forgive you.  Shower yourself with the tenderness you seek from him.

Think about what makes you feel good.  Thinking about his unforgiveness doesn’t feel so great?  Then stop focusing on it.  Focus, instead, on things that bring your heart joy:  the favorite part of your job, your favorite hobby, your fun friends.

As you radiate love and joy, it’ll be hard for anyone NOT to feel attracted to you (your husband included) - and not just romantically.

If your husband wants to bring up the past, create a phrase that rolls off your tongue, and simply repeat it anytime the subject comes up.  Something like, “I was wrong.  I hurt you.  I’m sorry.  But from now on, I’m focusing on love.”

If he wants to miss the Love Party, that’s on him.

~ He can either happily join you in the present, or stay miserably stuck in the past.
That’s his choice.  What you focus on is your choice. ~

If he questions you every time you leave the house, answer his questions without reacting to the assumptions you sense underneath them.  You have nothing to hide.  You don’t have to feel judged.  You can choose to see it as “Ooh, he has a passionate interest in me.  He loves and misses me so much, he wants to know how I spend every minute of the day.” (How you feel is determined by how you interpret what is happening.)

If you prefer not to answer a litany of questions, say so.  “Honey, when you asked that question, I felt a wave of anger rush over me.  I said to myself, ‘He doesn’t trust me.’  If that’s true, even answering your questions won’t fix it.  So it may anger you, but I am choosing not to answer questions like that anymore.”

[If the woman who submitted this question truly lives in Africa, the following paragraph may or may not be culturally relevant.  You be the judge.  If not, my apologies.]

Determine how long you can stay committed to someone who sends you negative energy.  Tell him honestly and lovingly, “I’ve decided our relationship must feel better than it does now within the next 6 months.  If it doesn’t, I’ll have to move out for a few months.  This negative energy feels draining to me.  So let’s give it our best shot at resolving this, ok?”

In the end, how he feels is up to him.  What you feel and what you do is up to you.  Neither of you can control each other.

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50 Ways to Love Your Lover: 11-20 (TOUCH)

Gary Chapman really earned my respect in The Five Love Languages when he explained that men often crave sex more than women due to hormonal differences - DUH, right?  But my favorite part was this:  THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEIR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE IS PHYSICAL TOUCH.

If you bracket the hormone-induced desire for sex, and listen to what your partner requests or complains about most, you can hear clues to his true primary love language.  For example, if he often exclaims, “You’re going out with your friends AGAIN,” that could be a sign that his love language is Quality Time.  Or if he asks, “What do you like about me,” could be his love language is Words of Affirmation.

One other thing:  Physical Touch doesn’t always equal “Sex.”  There are dozens of ways to show love through physical touch that don’t immediately proceed or coincide with sex.

So, if you and your partner check out Gary Chapman’s book or website, and discover that one or both of you has a primary love language of Physical Touch, here are…

10 WAYS to Love Your Lover through Touch

1. Rub his back – Since most of us can’t touch our backs by ourselves, it’s a very neglected body part.  The feel of a soft hand (not even massaging, just stroking), can be wonderfully comforting.
2. Place his hands where you like to be touched – I get a kick out of taking my husband’s hands and placing them on my face. I don’t know why, but I like the feel of his hands on my face. And I think he enjoys knowing that his touch is sacred to me.
3. Cuddle – Just being physically close is spiritually and emotionally rejuvenating. Lay your leg across his lap while reading a book. Put your head on his shoulder while watching TV. Stroke his arm while he’s driving (if he’s not easily distracted).
4. Play – Chase, tickle, piggy back ride. Remember the physical fun of being a kid? The thrill of being chased. The suspense of that handslapping game (where you try to move your hands before the other person can slap them). No law says you can’t still have fun like that.
5. Kiss him in unusual places – A sweet, delicate, adoring kiss on the cheek, forehead, back, bicep, knee…can be surprisingly stimulating.
6. Try to memorize his body – Close your eyes and run your hands over a particular part of your man’s body. Could you identify it in a line-up, blindfolded? Could you sculpt it from memory? What curves, textures, angles are uniquely his? What do the veins in his hands feel like? How would you map the hair on his thigh?
7. Massage a body part – Ask him in which body part he holds the most stress.  Then offer him a 5 minute massage of that part. Doesn’t have to be a professional level massage. Touch is healing. Just a nice oiled rub will do. Note:  If it’s his back - which part?  Upper?  Lower?  I spent years massaging my husband’s upper back before we discovered that he gets the most benefit from a lower back rub.  Another note: If he’s not sore, and you’d like to massage him anyway, try his hands or feet.  They’re small, and appreciate the attention. 
8. Ten Touches a Day – Add completely unnecessary touches to your day. Touch his hand when he passes the salt. Graze his butt with yours as you’re passing in the hall. No reason. No excuse. Just for the fun of it. See if you can add 10 no-reason touches a day.
9. Mold your hand to your favorite body part – What’s your favorite body part on him? Explore how your hand is like a puzzle piece that fits that part perfectly. You were made for each other. I like to rest my finger in my husband’s chin dimple. It’s like his chin was made as a finger-rest for me. Then I notice other parts fit in there too, like my nose, my teeth. It’s fun.
10. Measure body parts - Hands, feet, arms.  Whose is bigger?  Smaller?  Wider?  Warmer?  No reason.  Just a casual, fun thing to do that presses body parts against each other.

Again, I mostly talk to women loving men…but this stuff works well with anyone.  And if  YOUR primary love language is Physical Touch, then ASK for these things.  Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. TEACH him or her how to speak your love language.

Next up:  Expressing love in the language of Quality Time.

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What other non-intercourse-related ways can you show love through Physical Touch?

Comment below.

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See all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service (coming soon)

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Help! My husband is upset that I have more sexual experience than he does…

Q:  How do I get my husband to forgive me for having more sexual experience than he does?  ~ C.V., California

Early in our relationship I made the mistake of telling my, now husband about my sexual history. Four years later, this is still affecting our relationship. I have had many more partners then him and he never lets me forget it. It has gotten to the point where this is affecting our intimacy. I have tried in every way I can think of to make him feel special but he can’t get over this. I feel hopeless. What can I do?

A:  Giving him the chance to feel heard may help him overcome his fear of inadequacy.

First of all, I would hesitate to call your honesty about your sexual history a “mistake.”  Perhaps you were attempting to be real and honest with your husband.   Transparency is a beautiful quality that can draw people closer.

It’s funny, our culture teaches that men are supposed to have much more sexual experience than women.  Who are these men supposed to be getting their experience with?

Your husband may feel insecure about the fact that you have more sexual experience than he does.  He may fear that, perhaps, he doesn’t measure up to others you have known (no pun intended).

However, instead of expressing his fear and insecurity (feelings that make him feel like he’s in the “one down” position), he’s projecting it onto you.  He is intentionally, or unintentionally, creating a situation where YOU are the one who feels in the “one down” position.

You shared this info with him BEFORE you were married…and the info didn’t stop you from getting married.  To me, that says that he loves you and your sexual history isn’t a big deal.  Now, it’s just about helping him to clear his true feelings about it.

TRY THIS:

1. Schedule a quiet evening for the two of you to talk intimately.  Tell him something like, “I want us to clear out some feelings that are getting in the way, so we can feel even closer to each other.”
2. Interview him about his experience being married to a woman with so much sexual experience.  Be curious, like a journalist or therapist who really wants to know his experience.  Don’t judge or take personally anything he has to say.  Your goal is simply to give him a chance to get out all of his feelings and thoughts, so he has a chance to feel completely heard on the subject.  Ask questions like:
   1. What did you FEEL inside when I first told you about my sexual history?  (Assure him that you want him to be totally honest, and that you suspect he might have had positive as well as negative feelings.)
   2. What were some of the things you were THINKING when you heard what I said?  What were you thinking about me?  What were you thinking about yourself or about our sexual relationship?
   3. What concerns you the most about being with a woman who’s got more sexual experience than you?
   4. What do you enjoy most about being with a woman who’s got more sexual experience than you?
   5. On a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied are you with our sexual relationship?  What could push it closer to a 10 or 11?
   6. Is there anything else you haven’t shared with me about your feelings towards me, or towards our sexual relationship?
3. After each question, 1 through 6, restate what he said, and ask him, “Did I get that right?  Did I miss anything?”  Let him repeat himself until he truly feels like you heard and understood what he said.
4. Thank him for being honest.  Hug him, if it feels right, and tell him how much you appreciate the amount of courage it takes to say things that are hard to hear (and hard to say).

How you handle yourself after that conversation could make or break your relationship - so this requires A LOT OF MATURITY on your part.

If you stay close to him, don’t take offense to anything he said, don’t punish or withdraw, simply value his honest perspective, you will make a giant leap in developing the level of intimacy you’re seeking.

Giving him a chance to be heard, without judgment or negative consequences, may help him to feel more secure and less defensive.

The following week, schedule another intimate talk.  This time, let him know that you want to be completely transparent to him.  You want him to know who you are and how you feel about things.  You want the two of you to be closer and more intimate.

THIS TIME:

1. Read or recite to him a list of all the things you appreciate about him.  Name the specific things he does around the house or for you.  Describe the role he plays in the family.
2. Then tell him, “Sweetheart.  I love you so much.  And you are so good for me.  But there are some things you have done that I’m really upset about, and I just want you to know.”  Read or recite 3 SPECIFIC THINGS he has done or said that you feel upset about.
3. After each one, say, “When you said/did that, I FELT _____.”   Open your heart and share an emotion:  sad, angry, hurt, offended, small, dirty.  Then add, “In my head, I was THINKING…”
4. Let him know, “I can’t control what you say or feel or think about me.  But I just want you to know I feel hurt when you do these things, and I’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t do that.”

Again, how you handle things AFTER this conversation will either help or hurt your marriage

Don’t expect this conversation to fix things forever more.  Be prepared to say again and again, “When you said that, I felt…”

You’ve just shared information with him.  You have NOT given him a directive he must follow “OR ELSE…”

The more you and your husband can share your vulnerable sides with each other..the more you can allow each other to know when you’re feeling hurt, sad, or insecure, the closer you’ll feel - and the more sensitive you’ll be toward each other’s feelings.

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How do we break the poor and destructive patterns and start the healing process?

Q:  How do we break the poor and destructive patterns and start the healing process? – Nava

A:  When we’re stuck in “patterns,” we’re not fully present.  Instead of responding constructively and creatively to the present situation, we react hostily and habitually, based on memories of the past.

To break out of destructive patterns and start the healing process, we must become conscious, instead of unconscious.  We must let go of our desire to control others.  We must trust that we’ll be ok if everyone doesn’t see everything our way.

To stop hurting and start healing, follow the A, B, C approach:  Awareness, Bravery, Communication.

1. Awareness – Like they say, “The first step, is admitting you have a problem.”  Observe yourself to become aware of how you’re contributing to the pattern.  What triggers you?  What happens inside you when the negativity starts?  What are you feeling?  Thinking?  What earlier incident are you reminded of?

2. Bravery – Another famous saying is, “Bravery (or Courage) isn’t the absence of fear, but the capacity to act in spite of it.”  Patterns are familiar and comforting, even if they’re painful.  Be brave enough to risk being wrong, to let go of the need to control the outcome.  Be brave enough to just BE (and allow him to BE) in an authentic way – flaws and all.

3. Communication – The healing process begins with a new way of talking through conflicts.  Conflicts can actually be constructive, rather than destructive, when you communicate honestly about what you feel, think and want, without blaming, criticizing, judging, or holding the other responsible for your well-being. 

Try saying things like, “When you did…, I felt…” as opposed to “You made me feel…when you did…”  It’s a subtle but HUGE difference.  In the first statement, you’re simply sharing information about how you felt when a specific thing happened.  In the second, you’re holding the other responsible (“You MADE me feel…”)

It’d be great if BOTH of you learn to do this simultaneously.  But the change can start with just you.  To paraphrase Mahatma Gandhi’s famous quote, “BE the change you want to SEE in your relationship.”  If show up in a HEALING way, rather than a destructive way, the effects will ripple through your relationships.  Watch what happens.

Have a question that you’d like to Ask Venus?  Click here to ask your question.

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