Ego-Less Parenting: Getting out of our kids’ way

~ Parenting can be one huge ego trip! 
Just because we’re bigger and older, we can get carried away with believing that
we must thrust our wisdom upon our little ones. ~

The other day, my son Buddy (12), was upset about something that happened at a friend’s house.  He was freely expressing his frustration at how kids’ disputes were handled, how younger siblings were catered to even when they were being obnoxious.  You know, typical stuff.

At first I did my usual thing:  Asked questions.  Allowed him to verbalize his feelings.  Asked him to locate those feelings in his body (as in, “When the little brother does that, and you start to feel angry, how does that anger feel in your body?”).

Then, before I knew it, I started offering my two cents.  “You may want to try this…” and “Look at it this way…”

It’s so easy to slip into advice-giving.  It’s so habitual to think, “Got it!  I know where this should go.  Let’s cut to the chase.  I’ll tell you what you need to know to make this situation better.”

I noticed that he wasn’t…shall I say “receiving”…my suggestions.  He kept saying what he was saying.

Then I noticed my slight frustration and checked in with myself.  “Venus,” I thought, “Are you really expecting him to shift gears and say, ‘Ah, yeah…you’re right.  I didn’t see it that way before.’”

I recognized that yes, indeed, I was waiting for him to be changed by my wisdom.  Then I laughed at myself.  My son wasn’t looking to be changed.  He was looking to be heard.

We all hate it when we’re just trying to vent…to articulate what we’re feeling so we can see it more clearly…and the person we’re venting to starts trying to “fix” the problem.  “You should do this.  Why did you do that?”

It’s infuriating for us as adults.  Why would we think it’s any different for kids?

If we want our kids to build their own “Insightful” muscles, and not just rely on others’ advice, we must support them with questions rather than answers.  The stronger their capacity for “Insight” and “Empathy,” the better decisions they’ll make we’re not around.

I returned my attention to my son during that conversation.  I listened more deeply, and started asking questions.

• What do you imagine the little brother wanted?
• What did you sense that he was feeling?
• Have you ever felt that way as a little brother?
• What did you want to say, but didn’t?
• How do you wish things had gone?
• What could you do or bring next time that might help things go more smoothly?

He seemed to feel relaxed, heard, and validated.  He stopped repeating himself, because he knew I “got it.”

When conversations go like this, I sense him feeling closer to me, rather than more distant.  I imagine that he feels understood and not judged.  He doesn’t hear me wishing he were different.  He hears me respecting his right to feel the way he feels.

Parenting can be one huge ego trip!  Just because we’re bigger and older, we can get carried away with believing that we must thrust our wisdom upon our little ones.

Often, what’s best is to help them tap into their own wisdom, by sharing more questions than answers.  This teaches them to self-reflect, tune into their own inner guidance, and be led by values of empathy and compassion.

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My son won’t speak to people. It’s seen as rude. What can I do?

Q:  My 5-year-old son refuses to greet or say good-bye to anyone unless I threaten not to take him where he wants to go, or not to see his friends if he doesn’t greet their parents. I’m uncomfortable making excuses for him, such as “he’s shy” or “he needs to warm up to you first.”

A:  My favorite expert on this subject is Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is. She makes it so clear that reality doesn’t stress us out, it’s our THOUGHTS THAT ARGUE AGAINST REALITY that stress us out.

Reality:  He doesn’t speak to adults.  Your thought about it:  He SHOULD speak to adults.

If you simply accepted that, right now, at age 5, he’s going through a phase where he doesn’t speak to adults, you’d have a lot less anxiety about it.  You’d probably shrug and say, “He’ll outgrow it.”  And chances are, he will.

As parents, we often feel anxious about what our kids’ behavior says about us.  We fear that we’ll be judged by others.  So we try to force our kids to do what others believe is right so WE will feel better.

But isn’t it ironic that, 10 years from now, when he’s 15, you’ll want more than anything for him to do what HE knows is right and not what OTHERS think is right?

Then why teach him today to go against himself and do what others tell him to do, when ultimately you want a kid who stands up for himself and DOESN’T do what others tell him to do?

We can teach kids to fight peer pressure by our example:  Fighting the pressure our peers put on us to mold our kids into something other than who they are.

What to Do Instead
Here are 3 new ways to deal with young kids’ behavior when it feels embarrassing or rude:

1. Ask yourself, “Is this behavior putting anyone in immediate danger?” If your kid is pushing or hitting others or running out into the street, then yes, it deserves to be dealt with firmly.  But if he isn’t speaking to people, or if he’s not potty trained or reading or sharing toys by a certain age, consider shrugging it off as a phase while you find gentle ways to teach him to do better.
2. Don’t make a big deal out of it. If you don’t make it a big deal, perhaps no one else will either.  With no anxiety or apology, simply say, “Yes, he’s not speaking to new people right now,” with the same tone as if you’d said, “Yes, he has 10 fingers and toes.”  Simply describe his behavior so people don’t take it personally.  Also, not making it a big deal means that your 5-year-old gets no special attention for it - special attention would reinforce the behavior.  And when he wakes up one morning, speaking to people as if the “silent period” never happened, don’t make a big deal about that either.
3. DON’T LABEL. Don’t call him “shy” or “stubborn” or “anti-social.”  In other words, don’t label HIM or his BEHAVIOR.  Simply describe it without judgment.  Simply saying, “He’s not speaking” or “He’s not sharing these days,” describes only his behavior, and leaves him room to change it.  Whereas, “He’s rude” or “He’s selfish” describes HIM, and can mess with his self-image or become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If we avoid attempts to control our kids through praise and punishment, we allow them to evolve more authentically.

We support them in being who they really are by giving them room to develop in their own time.

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Whining: Grown-ups Do it Too

I had one of those split-personality experiences as I prepared to do my taxes this year.

From January to April 4, I listened to myself whine and whine about how I didn’t want to do taxes this year.

“I just don’t wanna…I’ve got so much else to do this year…I absolutely hate this…”

The grown up in me was annoyed - I hate the sound of whining, even if I’m the one who’s doing it.  But the bratty little kid in me needed a moment to vent.  (OK, a few months to vent.)  She really wanted to be heard.  (Actually, she really wanted to be rescued, but that wasn’t an option.)

What was really great, was that my husband didn’t fight me on this.  He listened to the whining.  Didn’t argue back.  Didn’t try to convince me otherwise.  He just listened and accepted all my excuses, and left me space to work it out.

I decided to give the kid in me a deadline.  She could whine and pout all she wanted, but since the adult in me didn’t want to file an extension (and put up with this tantrum for another few months), she’d have to pull herself together in time to actually complete the taxes on time.

I set an imaginary timer to go off one week before tax day.

It worked.

My bratty side started quieting down and facing the inevitable, just in time to get the job done.

I believe we can do the same for our children.  Just like there’s a kid inside of most grown-ups, I believe there’s a reasonable “grown-up” inside most kids.

If we can hold back from reacting to our kids’ whining, and simply set limits and let them work it out, we leave them the space to “come around” on their own.  We give them the opportunity to connect with their own maturity and wisdom, instead of being forced and punished into compliance.

TRY THIS:

1. Next time your kids are whinging and moaning about having to do what they don’t want to do - JUST LISTEN.  Agree, even.  “Yeah, I know.  It sucks.”
2. Set a time limit for the whining.  “The toys must be put away by 3:30, so I’ll set a timer.  You can complain for another 10 minutes, then it’s time to get to work.  Got it?”

Be honest.  You whine, too, dontcha?  Maybe just in your head?  Maybe just a little?  Do you put off making that dentist appointment?  Or getting the oil changed in the car?  Do you procrastinate on things until they build up and you finally give in and take care of them?

We all have the capacity to rise to the occasion when necessary.  When we’re feeling more enlightened, we don’t whine.  We simply accept what is and do what’s required.  But when we’re not there yet, we resist what is required of us until the pain of doing it feels less than the pain of not doing it.

Being patient with ourselves, and our children, gives everyone a chance to grow in his/her own time.

What do you think?  Are you able to give your kid the space to complain, and the time to come around on his own?  If not, why not?

And what about yourself?  Ever notice yourself whining on the inside?  How do you handle it?  Are you able to be loving and patient - or do you criticize and push?

Comment freely.

~ Venus

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