Where Has Venus Been?

My friends and fans…

I’m sorry.  I kinda fell off the radar somewhere around June.  Haven’t blogged but 2 or 3 times for the second half of the year.

What the heck happened?
In a nutshell:  I had to get back to my “Regularly Scheduled Life.”

You know those people who spend all their energy helping other people’s kids, but their own kids are in and out of juvie? 
Or the beloved talk show hosts who help their viewers learn to lose weight, while they, themselves, pack on the pounds?

I didn’t want to be that person…  But that is so much easier said than done.

What makes it so hard?  In a word:  BALANCE.  Or rather, IMBALANCE.

There are 3 major parts of my life:  My Family, My Physical Health, and My Business.  Each of them requires time and attention.

However, it’s been hard for me to focus on more than 1 or 2 at a time.

My Sleeping Dragon
Until 2007, I devoted my attention to my family and my physical health.  I’d diligently homeschooled my kids all their lives.  I’d been a 100% Raw Food Vegan, off-and-on for about 8 years.

Then I decided to start my own business.  And that reawakened the sleeping dragon in me that I’d put to sleep in 1994, when my daughter was born:  Ambition.

The more I fed that monster, the more I starved everything else in my life.

My Kids
In 2007, I started building my business.  I continued to homeschool my kids…but I was nowhere near as engaged as I was before.  My mind was always on the business.  My days were constantly interrupted with client calls.  I wasn’t fully present.

This summer, I looked up and realized that my kids were languishing.  They were irritable, moody, and insecure.

Why wouldn’t they be?  Even though they were taking classes and interacting with other people, their PRIMARY, FOUNDATIONAL relationship with me had withered down to nothing.

Read here to learn how I reconnected with the kids.

My Health
The other thing that took a hit while I focused on business-building, was my health.

I spent the last 6 months of 2008 in an all-out push to finish my book.  We’re talking 13-hour days of non-stop writing.

Everything else in my life was put on hold.

I felt I had no time (or desire) to make healthy salads or snacks…so instead I started nuking potatoes and eating chips.

I gained 15 lbs, suffered repeated illnesses…lost the health and beauty I had maintained for so many years, in just 6 months!

Read here to learn how I got it back.

My New Path
So far, I have spent the past 7 months zooming in on my top priorities:  My Family and My Health.  Now I have discovered healthy ways to re-introduce My Business into the mix without letting the Ambition Dragon take over and wreak havoc.

Over the next few posts, I’ll be sharing my journey back to BALANCE.

Join the conversation.

Where do you fall out of balance?  How do you give attention to the many parts of your life?  What parts get neglected the most?  What tricks have you found for maintaining balance AND fulfilling your ambitions?

Next Up: Listening to Your Body…or How Venus Got Her Groove Back.  (That would be the groove separating her abs…or, with any luck, the groove defining her thigh muscles.)

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My child won’t obey without punishments and threats. What can I do?

Q: My 3-year-old daughter is constantly getting time outs at daycare and at home.

I have to basically put the fear of a “butt pop” into her to get her to do what she is asked to do - anything from “come here” to “stop stomping.” When given a directive, she just takes her time (purposefully moving slow or ignoring me altogether).

Her daycare provider stated to me that “she doesn’t know a child’s place.” …Any advice to offer?

A: The toddler’s biological mission is to explore and establish her independence. It is her job to learn how to exercise power over her own body - from toilet training, to jumping, to figuring out how far to walk away from mommy and still be safe.

It is our job, as parents, not to squash that independence, but to support its healthy development.  In order to do that, we must first change how we PERCEIVE our kids.

Kids Are Good
When we see kids as “bad” or “oppositional” or “manipulative” we interpret their behavior in a negative way.  We perceive “battles” and “power struggles,” where there are none.  We pit ourselves against our children and believe we must “win,” and therefore, they must “lose.”

When we believe, deep down inside, that kids are ALWAYS good and well-intended - even when doing something we find inconvenient - then we can interpret their behavior as an expression of need or desire.  We can study their behavior to understand what they need or want at this stage of their lives, and then teach them appropriate ways of getting it.

For instance, what is your daughter’s behavior, at daycare and at home, telling you about what she most needs at this time?  [I just heard a chorus of readers say, "What she needs is a good whack on the behind."  I beg to differ.  Read on.]  Is she showing you that she needs more time to run and play, more freedom of movement?  Perhaps, given her age, she’s simply showing you that she needs a greater sense of independence - more power over her own actions - more time and space to explore the world on her own terms.

Observing her behavior non-judgmentally can show you what’s important to her - an important clue into her personality.  Then you can teach her better ways to express her needs - like how to say, “Mommy, five more minutes please?”  Or you can structure her life to give her more of what she’s seeking - like leaving her more free time, or getting her into a mommy and me dance class or drama guild.

Dangers of Punishment
Punishing children carries with it 3 negative consequences:

1. Missing out on the opportunity to teach children to better ways to express themselves and meet their needs. By punishing the behavior, we completely ignore the need behind the behavior (the need to be heard, the need for exploration).  That need continues to go unmet…often leading to a kid who’s shut down and frustrated, or more desperate misbehavior later in life.
2. Externalizing the motivation for good behavior. When kids learn to do what’s right out of fear of punishment, how do they develop the internal guidance system they’ll need later in life so they’ll do what’s right simply because it’s right?  How do they learn to do the right thing even if no one’s watching?  Even if they could get away with doing wrong?  Connecting with them by teaching them better ways to meet or express their needs keeps them connected to themselves, so they are motivated from within to do what’s right.
3. Damaging our relationship with kids. Punishing creates distance vs closeness; it promotes lying vs honesty.  Every time we hit or yell at our kids, we pull apart the fabric of our relationship one thread at a time.  Then, in later years, our relationship wears thin, or rips apart.

What to Do Instead
Here are 3 ways to support kids in discovering healthier ways to meet or express the needs underneath their (mis)behavior:

1. Acknowledge the Need Behind the Behavior. As in, “I know you want to run & have fun, sweetheart, but our that really annoys our neighbors.”  or “Yeah, it’s frustrating to stop doing what you’re doing when I call you.  Show me your ‘angry’ face.”  Habit 5, in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is, “Seek first to understand, THEN to be understood.”  A kid who feels understood has less of a need to “act out” to get his/her point across.
2. Provide More Choices. Giving young kids choices gives them a greater sense of control over their lives.  Try to turn as many daily “commands” as possible, into choices.  “You can have broccoli or carrots, which do you choose?”   Or “You can either run on your tippie-toes, or walk on your feet.”  Even, “Are you coming on your own, or do I have to carry you?”  Giving kids choices allows them to experience their growing control over their lives and bodies without having to be “contrary.”
3. Ask, “Is what I’m about to do going to bring me and this child closer or push us farther apart?” In the book, Choice Theory, Dr. William Glasser explains that it is more important to maintain a healthy relationship with a child than to force that child to obey your every command.  When kids feel close to us and respected by us, they are more inclined to do good things.

Overall, as adults, we must observe our own need to have “control” over children.  They are not objects, they are people.  Our job is to help them explore the world safely and to figure out who they are and who they want to be.  Our job is not to bend them to our will.

Beware of adults who believe your child’s will should be broken, or that she should be taught to “know her place.”  That kind of language reminds me of Sophia’s (Oprah’s) famous line in the Color Purple:  “Beat her.”

An environment where kids are respected as people - where adults help kids learn healthy ways to get their needs met - supports kids in feeling seen, heard, and understood.  Therefore, they feel less of a need to “act out.”

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Welcoming Kids’ Anger: How to Tone it Down Without Shutting it Down

Kids express anger in lots of different (mostly unpleasant) ways.  Little kids may yell, hit, or throw tantrums.  Older kids may slam doors, play their music too loudly, or withdraw.

If parents aren’t careful, we can focus so much on shutting down the behavior that a kid uses to EXPRESS anger, that we effectively shut down the anger itself.

Why is it important NOT to shut kids’ anger down?

1. Anger is a valid emotion.  Cut a kid off from what he/she really feels, and you end up with an emotionally numb kid - out of touch with his/her true self - unable to be genuine with self or anyone else.
2. It will come up in destructive ways.  Silencing anger doesn’t make it disappear.  It’s still there, just brewing beneath the surface, waiting to come out in ways that hurt others or the kid himself (herself).
3. Shutting down = Closing off.  If you want a close relationship with your kids - if you want them to trust you and feel connected to you for the long run - then it’s important that they know you care what they really feel.

To sustain a healthy relationship with kids - one where they feel seen, heard, understood, and unconditionally loved - we parents must respect our kids’ right to their own feelings and perspectives.

This doesn’t mean that we embrace every approach they use to EXPRESS their feelings and perspectives.  In other words, anger is acceptable, even though hitting is not.

Here are some ways that we can support our kids in staying in touch with their feelings and expressing them productively:

1. Teach younger kids to verbalize their feelings.  Say to them, “Seems like you’re feeling really upset.”  Then invite them to SAY WHAT THEY FEEL - as in “I feel angry,” “I’m so mad right now,” or “I don’t like this.”
2. Invite older kids to be honest, without penalty.  Make it a practice NEVER to contradict a kid’s expression of his/her feelings - never say things like, “Oh, you don’t mean that.”  Learn to be comfortable letting them FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL.  At some level, their feelings have nothing to do with you.  They’re just giving you information about what’s going on inside them.  Don’t take it personally.  Don’t try to “fix it.”  Just hear them out.
3. Be a model of honesty.  Illustrate what it means to be be honest about feelings without being destructive by doing it yourself.  Use “I”-statements, so that your feelings speak only about you, and don’t sound like judgments of others.  Say, “When I see you doing that, I feel angry,” not “You’re making me really angry right now.”

Inviting kids to share their honest feelings, while teaching them more productive methods of communicating them, creates an environment where kids learn to know, love, and truly express themselves.

What’s been your experience with kids, and healthy vs unhealthy ways of expressing anger?  Share with us by leaving a comment.

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Look at What TV is Doing to Our Kids…

Have you seen the latest Valentine’s Day Hallmark Commercial aimed at parents and kids?  It’s the one where a group of girls are comparing the special treats their moms (presumably) put in their lunch boxes for Valentine’s Day.

Most of the girls got home-made “I love you’s” in the form of decorated fruit and heart-shaped sandwiches.  And the girls are all, Ho-hum.

Until the one girl pulls out a personalized “Hannah Montana” card, with a voice-message from her mom and some “Rock Star” song clip.  Then eyes light up.  Heads turn.  The whole cafeteria is envious.

The message is:  A store-bought gift is the best way to express love. 

Isn’t it sad?  LOVE has been co-opted.

You may be saying, “Duh, Venus, this is not new.”  I know it isn’t.  But since I watch so little TV these days, my commercial-immunity is low.  Each one I see is a shock to my system.  My jaw drops and I wonder, “Oh my gosh, is this stuff on constantly?”

How can we raise kids who care about what’s real, when they heaping doses of lies every time they watch television?

To keep your kids’ hearts and minds from being poisoned by commercial messages, here are

3 Ways to Boost Your Kids’ Commercial Immunity:

1. Turn Off the TV:  I know this one is hard for some families, but this age of technology can actually make it easier.  Besides listening to audio books and helping them learn to MAKE their own shows (like for YouTube) instead of WATCHING all the time, you can:

     a. View Child-friendly Internet Sites:  There are lots of kids’ channel internet sites, like cartoonnetwork.com, neopets.com, and 4kids.tv.  These sites show more commercials each year, too.  But they seem just a little less pervasive.

     b. Purchase Shows:  Between DVDs and iTunes, your kids can be up on all the latest shows without having to endure all the latest commercials. 

2. Talk Back to the TV:  The younger your kids are when you start, the stronger their immunity will be when they’re older.  Don’t let TV be a one-way medium.  Talk back to it.  Say out loud, “That’s not true.”  Then tell your kids YOUR perspective, so they learn YOUR values, not the ones in the commercials.  The more kids learn to argue back at the TV, the less power it has to control what they think.

3. De-Program Your Kids:  Around age 12 or so, kids are more interested in exploring what they think, rather than hearing about what parents think.  Instead of telling them your beliefs, ask questions that help them examine their own beliefs.  Ask, “What did you think the message was in that commercial?  What do the manufacturers want you to think about their product?  How much do you agree with that?  How much do you disagree?”  This way, commercials can prompt kids to look within themselves, rather than to the TV, for answers.

Most of all, don’t let the commercials infect YOU. 

Show your kid love in natural ways that really count:  hugs, notes, loving words, and fun family activities.  A healthy relationship with you will keep your kid strong.  And the poison darts of commercialism will bounce right off.

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