50 Ways to Love Your Lover: 21-30 (TIME)

Do you crave more time with your partner?
Are you enjoying making memories together?

We say it all the time:  Life is short.  If your primary love language is Quality Time (see Gary Chapman’s, The Five Love Languages), you may be particularly sensitive to the brevity of life.  You may uniquely treasure the time spent with people you love most.

Quality Time is more than just time spent in each other’s company.  It’s time spent FOCUSING on each other.  Talking, playing, laughing.  Really engaging with each other - not watching TV or playing on your cell phones.

A person whose primary love language is Quality Time really wants to be seen, heard, appreciated, and understood.  This person feels connected to people who deeply know her and enjoy her presence.

If your partner’s primary love language is Quality Time, here are a few ideas to help him feel fully loved by and connected to you.

1. Ask him to retell a story from childhood – Even if you’ve heard all his stories before, listen deeply, as if you may write his biography one day. Ask, “What was that like for you? When do you feel like that now?  What makes that memory so important that you’ve treasured it above so many others?”
2. Laugh a lot – Don’t let life get so serious that you’re not having fun together regularly. Tell jokes, funny stories, silly dreams. The memory of you rolling with laughter is the one memory you want burnt into his mind.
3. Listen with your whole heart – When he’s sharing something that’s important to him (even if it’s something hard for you to hear),  set aside your agenda and just be his friend. Be a safe space where he can share his thoughts and feelings without judgment.
4. Welcome him home – Stop whatever you’re doing, for just 30 seconds, and greet him when he comes home. I have a friend in NJ who has made this a practice for over 30 yrs of marriage. Once, while giving a speech, he shocked her by mentioning how much he appreciated that…how special he felt.  Such a small gesture can make a big difference in anyone’s day.
5. Play – Board games, card games, video games.  Anything that gets you interacting with each other in a fun way.
6. Read together – Out loud or silently.  Share a small passage of something together – one paragraph, one chapter, an interesting article from a magazine – and discuss your different perspectives.
7. Do something healthy together – Go for a walk (even if it’s a stroll), do a paired floor stretch, walk up the stairs of your apartment complex together (do lots of reps if there aren’t many stairs).  When my husband and I lived in a 20 story building, we would sometimes walk all the way up, just for exercise.  It’s fun to share that memory together.
8. Parallel Play – If you’re both really bogged down, and rarely make “face time,” try working in the same room at least once a week.  The goal is to give yourself more opportunities to break for eye contact and quick conversations.
9. Attend something you wouldn’t ordinarily – Don’t like attending philosophy lectures or baseball games?  Go at least occasionally with this goal in mind:  Getting to know him better.  Afterward, ask him what he liked most, what he thought could be better.  Use the event as a doorway into his soul.
10. Ask for feedback – From time to time, ask “How loved / respected / cherished / appreciated are you feeling this week? How ratchet that up another notch?”

Time with loved ones is what we’ll miss most when one of us has passed on.  Savor it.  Revel in it.  Especially if your or your partner’s primary love language is Quality Time.

Next Up:  Expressing love with Gifts.

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How have you used “Time” to express love to your significant other?

Comment below.

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See all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service (coming soon)

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50 Ways to Love Your Lover: 1-10 (WORDS)

How full is your love tank?  Are you feeling fully loved, appreciated, connected to your partner?
How full is your partner’s love tank?  Ready to learn how to top it off?

Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages is a great toolkit for couples wanting to draw closer and strengthen their bond.  It teaches how you and your partner can learn each other’s primary love language (i.e., what makes each of you feel the most loved), and then learn to speak that language fluently.

If you haven’t read the book, check out Gary Chapman’s website to learn about the 5 Love Languages.

As we wrap up February (”The Month’O'Love”), I’ll sharing with you 10 WAYS to express love to your partner in each of the 5 LOVE LANGUAGES.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

If you feel tingly, appreciated, and loved when your partner tells you all the wonderful things he likes about you, speaks highly of you to other people, compliments your hair, body, or personality…then your primary love language may be WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

If that’s your partner’s primary love language - if he beams with pride and swells with confidence when you tell him how awesome he is - then here are 10 ways to show him love in a way that he’ll REALLY appreciate.  (Hey, there are 10 months left in this year, right?  How about focusing on one each month?)

1. Describe one way that he excites you - Observe your physical reaction when he comes into a room, or says your name, or touches your back.  Then, in a tender moment, put your physical reaction into words.  Let your heart pour out of your mouth.  One Valentine’s Day, I wrote my husband a note saying, “I may not always show it, but when I hear your car pull up into the driveway, every hair on my arm knows you’re home.”  That man felt SO loved, he showed that note to everyone in his office.
2. Tell his family how awesome he is - Not just in a general way.  Be specific.  Tell them one thing he did or said that you especially liked.  Or describe the quality that you most respect about him.
3. Use the word, “Respect” - When he’s telling a story about work, a hobby, or his friends, pay attention to what the story says about him as a person.   Does the story illustrate his great sense of humor?  His ability to see the good in people?  His undying loyalty?  His courage?  His honesty?  His steadfast determination?  After his story, tell him how much you respect that quality in him.  When I tell my husband, “I really respect how patient you can be with difficult people,” or “I have the greatest respect for your work ethic,” I can see him take that into himself.  He pauses for half a beat, and, I believe, respects that part of himself as well.
4. Use the word, “Admire” - “Admire” can be used in a similar way as “Respect.”  But the feeling each inspires can be different.  To me, “Respect” simply acknowledges the other person for who they are, while “Admire” suggests that you find their qualities particularly desirable (that’s just IMHO…observe how do they feel for you).   I admire my husband’s ability to tell really entertaining stories about his childhood.  When I tell him so, he gets that I enjoy his talent, I get that I’d like some of that talent to rub off on me.
5. Make his picture your computer or cellphone wallpaper - A picture is worth a thousand words.  So seeing his picture on your computer (or if he doesn’t see your computer, TELL him about it) will remind him that you think he’s handsome and want to look at him often.
6. Talk him up to the kids - Even if he’s not perfect…If the kids see only his difficult side…don’t try to persuade them to see/feel differently, just share with them one good thing they might not have caught on to about him.  It’ll help preserve their relationship until the tough times blow over.  Years ago, when my husband was stressed out and a little abrupt with the kids, I’d assure them during the day, “He may not have best way of showing it, but he is absolutely crazy about you…”
7. Make an Appreciation Sandwich - If you have something to get off your chest that might be hard for your partner to hear, start with something you appreciate about him (relative to the situation).  Then insert your concern.  Then end with assuring him that this one concern doesn’t mean you don’t love or feel loved by him, you simply wanted to be transparent with him.  For example, once I used this approach to share a concern, “Sweetheart, I really appreciate how hard you’ve been working.  But, I really miss feeling like a team here at home.  I’m feeling lonely doing everything here by myself.  It would really help if you’d do the dishes while I get the kids to sleep.  Could you do that for me please?  Seriously, though, I’m grateful that you make it possible for me to stay home with the kids…”
8. Tell him YOUR side of the “How we met” story - Share with him what you were thinking and feeling when you first took interest in him.  Reminiscing can remind you both how awesome it was that you found each other.  Retell the story every year…or even a few times a year.
9. “Seek first to understand…” -  My favorite of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is “Seek first to understand.  Then to be understood.”  If you two have a disagreement, put on your Objective Journalist hat, and delve into his point of view.  Don’t take anything he says personally - it’s not about you, it’s about him.  Let him know, “I honestly just want to understand your perspective.”  Then ask, “What’s most important to you in this situation?  What did you feel inside when I said what I said?  What were you thinking about me in that moment?  What did you really want?”  Then use HIS words to summarize his feelings, just to see if you got it right.  Request that he listen to your perspective the following day.  Once people feel heard and understood, they are more open and less hostile.
10. Say, “Thank You” Acknowledge the things he does that you feel he’s “supposed” to do.  Recognize how important they are to you and to the family.  Celebrate them verbally.  Let him know, at random times, “Thank you so much for playing with the kids.  I’m a happier mom knowing what great memories you’re making with them.”  Or, “You work so hard to provide for us.  When I see you bent over that desk, I am so grateful for all that you do.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being that kind of man.”

Now, I hope this all doesn’t sounds like some 1950s b.s. about showing reverence and deference to your husband, because these suggestions EQUALLY APPLY TO MEN LOVING THEIR WOMEN (…and women loving their women…and men loving their men…Love doesn’t discriminate, so why should I).

I’m addressing this to women because most of my readers are women, and I get tired of writing and reading “he/she” so it’s just easier to write it all one way.

Next up:  10 ways to show love using PHYSICAL TOUCH.

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How else do you use “Words of Affirmation” to show love to your partner?

Comment below.

*   *   *

See all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service (coming soon)

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Celebrate Love: Imperfection

It’s Feb 1…and I’m starting the Month of Love by sharing this video:

(Thanks to my good friend Janette, at www.BuildBetterRelationships.com for forwarding it to me.)

My husband, Hycel, and I loved this little video.  To me, its message is:  Love doesn’t require “perfection.”

I have many friends who have been single their whole lives, never married or committed to a relationship longer than a few years.  Why?  Because they didn’t find Mister/Miss “Perfect.”  If he was was a good guy, he wasn’t drop-dead-gorgeous enough.  If he was good looking, he wasn’t ambitious enough.

Those of us who have been married, or in a long-term relationship, know the truth:  There is no such thing as perfect.

At least not in an absolute sense.  But there is a such thing as “Perfect for Me.”

3 Signs that Someone is Perfect For You

1. His/Her Weaknesses are Your Strengths (and vice versa) - This is why opposites attract.  We each would (secretly) like to be more like the other.  If he’s a saver and you’re a spender…or he’s more fun-loving and you’re more serious…you both may crave some of what the other person has.  You’re hoping that just a little of it will rub off on you.
2. You Agree On (or at least can respectfully discuss) the Major Life Issues - Religion, food, childrearing practices…those are my big 3.  What are yours?  What’s the stuff that’s gonna set the tone of your whole life together?  The stuff that will affect how each day is lived?  The values that will determine who you are as a family?  Do you have that major stuff in common?  If not, can you respect each other’s perspective enough to talk openly about and accommodate your differences?
3. You Can See Living With the Things You Don’t Like About Him/Her FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE - Forever.  Seriously, accept that it will most likely never change.  Ask yourself, “Can I live with this forever?”  Visualize yourself 10, 20, 50 years from now…he’s still picking his nose when he drives…still grinding his teeth in his sleep…can you live with that?  Will it affect your quality of life?  (If he smokes, yes it will.  If he snorts when he laughs, maybe not.)

Relationships provide opportunities to practice “presence” and to grow as a person.  Whomever you’re in a relationship with, that person’s “stuff” is the material you can use to work on yourself, to develop emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.  The buttons that person pushes in you are the buttons you need to work on.

Remember, you’re not perfect either.  Like you, your partner wants to be loved for being himself.  Let his quirks endear him to you.  Don’t try to make him over in your image.  Love him for who he is, warts and all.

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A PERSONAL NOTE:  My husband and I will celebrate our 21st anniversary this May.  I was 21 when I married him…so that means I have spent half my life with him.

We are so happy that we weathered the storms that destroy many marriages, because now we have something very rare and precious.  We each have a person who shares our history.

We can talk in shorthand.  He knows all my feelings and memories that surface when I say “My mom,” or “High school”  I know all his feelings and memories that surface when he says, “My dad,” or “Second Baptist.”

We have inside jokes.  As a family (kids included), we find a way, EVERY DAY, to use a line from the movie “Booty Call.”  [Don't ask why...but that is our all-time favorite comedy as a family.  It's our version of "Rocky Horror Picture Show."]

All this is to say:  Something magical happens when you’ve been with someone more than 10 or 20 years.  They become a part of you.  They leave an impression, like a thumbprint, on your life.  You would miss everything about them if they were gone.

Cherish everything…Find beauty in everything…even the imperfections.

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If you’re in a relationship…What did you once find annoying or off-putting about your partner, but eventually found endearing?

If you’re not in a relationship…What are your “Major Life Issues” or most important values that the right partner must share?

Please share.

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Marriage Can Get Better Every Year

This summer breathed even more new life into my 20 year marriage.

I took the summer off from writing articles, and focused it on reconnecting deeply with my family.  And the payoffs were HUGE.

The first 18 years of our marriage were held together by duct tape and shoestring.  I won’t go into it now, because my book will be out soon enough.

What I can tell you is that two years ago I learned some new ways to BE.  I learned some new things to DO.  And now I HAVE the marriage I always wanted.

You’ll find me writing a lot about BE-DO-HAVE.  Living this principle is the best way to create the life and relationships you wish to create.

Most of us live the opposite way:  HAVE-DO-BE.  We put all our energy into trying to HAVE what we want (the right car, job, salary, marriage, kids).  Because only then (only after having what we want) do we believe we can DO what we want (impress our friends, buy that house, take romantic getaways).  And doing those things will help us to BE what we want (happy, rich, loved, peaceful).

I’ll be illustrating (and you’ll be able to experience for yourself) how BEING who you want to BE is the number one way to heal your marriage (and your life) in my marriage workshops - launching Fall 2009.

For now, just ask yourself - especially if you’re in a relationship that isn’t exactly as you’d like it to be:  Who do I want to BE?  Or even, How do I want to be?

If you want to be happy, peaceful, loving, confident - what can YOU do today that will take you one step closer to that?  Not what can HE do.  What can YOU do?

What would it mean for you, today, to BE “Love?”  To BE “Peace?”  To BE “Joy?”  To BE “Confidence?”  What would that look like?  What would you do?

This is the first step toward making your life, and your marriage, better and better every year.

What’s the second step?  Stay tuned.

Share any insights in the comments section below.

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How do we break the poor and destructive patterns and start the healing process?

Q:  How do we break the poor and destructive patterns and start the healing process? – Nava

A:  When we’re stuck in “patterns,” we’re not fully present.  Instead of responding constructively and creatively to the present situation, we react hostily and habitually, based on memories of the past.

To break out of destructive patterns and start the healing process, we must become conscious, instead of unconscious.  We must let go of our desire to control others.  We must trust that we’ll be ok if everyone doesn’t see everything our way.

To stop hurting and start healing, follow the A, B, C approach:  Awareness, Bravery, Communication.

1. Awareness – Like they say, “The first step, is admitting you have a problem.”  Observe yourself to become aware of how you’re contributing to the pattern.  What triggers you?  What happens inside you when the negativity starts?  What are you feeling?  Thinking?  What earlier incident are you reminded of?

2. Bravery – Another famous saying is, “Bravery (or Courage) isn’t the absence of fear, but the capacity to act in spite of it.”  Patterns are familiar and comforting, even if they’re painful.  Be brave enough to risk being wrong, to let go of the need to control the outcome.  Be brave enough to just BE (and allow him to BE) in an authentic way – flaws and all.

3. Communication – The healing process begins with a new way of talking through conflicts.  Conflicts can actually be constructive, rather than destructive, when you communicate honestly about what you feel, think and want, without blaming, criticizing, judging, or holding the other responsible for your well-being. 

Try saying things like, “When you did…, I felt…” as opposed to “You made me feel…when you did…”  It’s a subtle but HUGE difference.  In the first statement, you’re simply sharing information about how you felt when a specific thing happened.  In the second, you’re holding the other responsible (“You MADE me feel…”)

It’d be great if BOTH of you learn to do this simultaneously.  But the change can start with just you.  To paraphrase Mahatma Gandhi’s famous quote, “BE the change you want to SEE in your relationship.”  If show up in a HEALING way, rather than a destructive way, the effects will ripple through your relationships.  Watch what happens.

Have a question that you’d like to Ask Venus?  Click here to ask your question.

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