The Rihanna Lesson: Teaching Our Daughters Self-Love

As a mom, this recent news story about a young, female pop singer being (allegedly) brutally beaten by her boyfriend has struck me in a tender place.

I can’t help but ask, “How can I make sure my daughter would never tolerate an (allegedly) abusive relationship?”

My daughter’s only 14, and I would never be so arrogant as to assume this could never happen to her.  However, I trust that some of the choices I’ve made while parenting her, have developed such a deep sense of self-love and self-respect, that she would not tolerate anyone hurting her in the name of love.

Parenting With The End In Mind

In my book, Becoming the Mom I Wish I’d Had: How to Heal Yourself and Your Family Through HEART-Based Parenting, I write about Parenting With the End in Mind.  In other words, envision the person you want your kid to be 10-20 YEARS down the road, and letting that vision guide your actions TODAY.

For instance, when my daughter was a newborn, I held her and imagined the woman I wanted her to become.  More than anything, I knew I wanted her to love herself so genuinely that low self-esteem, peer pressure, or tolerating abuse would never be issues for her.

When I asked myself, What can I do NOW to increase the chance that she’ll have tremendous self-love and self-respect as a young woman, a few ideas came to mind:

1. DO NOT HIT - Hitting my daughter might teach her to accept being hit by people she loves.  I absolutely do not want her to accept abuse in any relationship.  So I never made it a practice to hit her, no matter what she did.  (I admit in the book, I slipped up a time or two, but never as a practice.)
2. RESPECT HER FEELINGS - So many parents show no respect for their children as human beings, but then want the kids to respect themselves.  We respect our children by honoring their right to their own feelings, thoughts, and desires - even when they differ from our own.  We show respect by treating our children as people, not as things - by not demeaning or criticizing them in ways that we would never do to friends.  Supporting my daughter’s right to her own opinion, I hope, has taught her to expect the same support from anyone else who claims to love her.
3. KEEP HER TUNED INTO HERSELF - I’ve gone to great lengths to keep my daughter tuned into her own spirit and intuition.  So, instead of teaching her to blindly obey my commands (as if that would ever have worked anyway), I’ve always asked her, “What is your gut telling you?” and “What does your heart say?”  I won’t always be around when she must make important decisions - she’s got to learn to listen to her inner voice.  When we support kids in tapping their own inner wisdom, they learn to do what’s right, even when no one is around to enforce the rules.

The hope is that my daughter will never find herself in an abusive relationship.  But if she ever did, I trust that she will ultimately return to her original state of self-love, self-respect, and self-protection.

What else do you believe is important to do with our daughters TODAY, to ensure they have healthy relationships TOMORROW?

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