“My husband’s still angry that I hurt him…”

Q:  I’m dealing with a husband right now who is having a hard time getting over things that I’ve said to him.

Words hurt more than a blow to the jaw. And its even harder for us because it took me so long to come out of the denial that i was in that he was truly unhappy about things that have been said between us. i don’t want to give up but as the days go by and i feel the distance between us, even when making love i feel it. I feel it when i rollover at night to caress him only to find that he is awake, in his office, talking to people (female)on Facebook or giving himself a hand while watching porn. i feel like I’ve lost all his attention and all his sweetness. There is this wall between us right now and i cant help but feel that hes more comfortable, more happy, more wanting to keep that wall up. I know hes mad and hurt but I’m just ready for him to get over it so we can move on. But we cant move on till he gets over it.  (   ~Desiree

A: Oh sweetheart. My heart hurts as I read this. Your pain is so huge.

The Wall: To dismantle the wall that has built up between you two will take time, patience, and work. I coach couples through exactly this kind of situation. It is best done with outside support, but the right support is hard to find. Email me at venus@HealMyFamily.com and we can schedule a free 30-min consultation, so you can decide if relationship coaching sounds right for you.

Meanwhile, here’s what I can share in this limited space: See if you can get him to tell you what he’s feeling. The wall that’s built up is mostly on his side. If he gets the chance to take each of those bricks of stored up pain, and share them with you without judgment or defense, he will most likely start to soften.

Sweetheart, this is where your inner work will happen, for you will have to make this a one-way conversation. HE needs to be heard. He needs to know that you completely get how deeply he has been hurt by your words. This would require you to not explain, defend, or contradict anything he says about how he feels or what he experienced with you.

Your job would be to let him get it out, receive it, thank him for sharing. You may also simply repeat back to him what he said, so he’s clear that you are hearing him. You may be able to work in an, “I’m sorry,” but not more than that. Let his feelings and experiences fill the room and hang there. Let them just be, don’t try to fix them.

Be strong. What he’s talking about is in the past. It cannot hurt you. The intensity of his pent up feelings will not destroy you. Remember, he’s talking about HIMSELF and what HE felt. Even if he’s talking about what you did, he’s not talking about YOU. Especially not the new you, because you’ve said yourself, you were in denial back then. You were a different person back then. Use this opportunity to learn about who you were and the effect you had on him. But don’t take offense, because that’s not you anymore. That was a completely different person.

See if you can schedule these healing talks once a week. Tell him that you simply want to hear him tell you how hurt and angry he’s been about what you said in the past. You want to completely understand his side of the story. You don’t intend to answer back with your side at all. Just listen.

Start each healing talk by asking, “Tell me about an incident where I said something that upset you?” Follow with questions like, “What happened, exactly? What did you do? What did I say? What did you feel after I said it? What were you thinking about me after I said it? What did you assume that I meant? What did you want most in that moment? On a scale of 1-to-10, how upset were you? Was there a time when you were little that you ever felt that same way? What happened back then?”

When he’s done, you can ask, “Is it ok if I tell you what I heard, just to be sure I got it?” Then say back what you heard - in HIS words. Ask, “Did I miss anything? Is there anything you wanted me to hear that I left out?” Let him restate what you missed. Then you restate it.

End by saying, “Thank you for sharing that. It might have been hard for you to say. It was definitely hard for me to hear. But I love you, and I’m so sorry that I hurt you that I really need to understand the depth of your pain to make sure I never hurt you like that again.” Let him know you’re looking forward to hearing about a different incident (or the same one) next week.

He might think it’s crazy. You might think it’s crazy. But those bricks can only dissolve if he feels heard. Like you said, “We can’t move on till he gets over it.” This is the biggest way to help with that.

Love and peace to you, Desiree,
Venus

p.s. If you want help with this, just email me.

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“My husband doesn’t trust me”

Q:  My husband can’t forgive me for betraying his trust.  It has been 3 years.  I don’t know what else to do. ~ “V,” Northern Natal

A:  Let it go.

It can be painful when others do not feel what we want them to feel - love, tenderness, forgiveness.  But it only hurts as long as we focus on what we cannot control.

There is nothing you can do to change what your husband feels.  He, too, is focusing on what he cannot control - the past, you, and your actions in the past/present/future.

When we focus on what we cannot control, we can’t help but feel pain.  Continuing to do so just leads to more frustration.

Instead, focus on what you can control and on what you want to feel.

What can you control?  Your actions and your thoughts.  Act in loving ways toward YOURSELF and toward him.  If he won’t forgive you, then YOU forgive you.  Shower yourself with the tenderness you seek from him.

Think about what makes you feel good.  Thinking about his unforgiveness doesn’t feel so great?  Then stop focusing on it.  Focus, instead, on things that bring your heart joy:  the favorite part of your job, your favorite hobby, your fun friends.

As you radiate love and joy, it’ll be hard for anyone NOT to feel attracted to you (your husband included) - and not just romantically.

If your husband wants to bring up the past, create a phrase that rolls off your tongue, and simply repeat it anytime the subject comes up.  Something like, “I was wrong.  I hurt you.  I’m sorry.  But from now on, I’m focusing on love.”

If he wants to miss the Love Party, that’s on him.

~ He can either happily join you in the present, or stay miserably stuck in the past.
That’s his choice.  What you focus on is your choice. ~

If he questions you every time you leave the house, answer his questions without reacting to the assumptions you sense underneath them.  You have nothing to hide.  You don’t have to feel judged.  You can choose to see it as “Ooh, he has a passionate interest in me.  He loves and misses me so much, he wants to know how I spend every minute of the day.” (How you feel is determined by how you interpret what is happening.)

If you prefer not to answer a litany of questions, say so.  “Honey, when you asked that question, I felt a wave of anger rush over me.  I said to myself, ‘He doesn’t trust me.’  If that’s true, even answering your questions won’t fix it.  So it may anger you, but I am choosing not to answer questions like that anymore.”

[If the woman who submitted this question truly lives in Africa, the following paragraph may or may not be culturally relevant.  You be the judge.  If not, my apologies.]

Determine how long you can stay committed to someone who sends you negative energy.  Tell him honestly and lovingly, “I’ve decided our relationship must feel better than it does now within the next 6 months.  If it doesn’t, I’ll have to move out for a few months.  This negative energy feels draining to me.  So let’s give it our best shot at resolving this, ok?”

In the end, how he feels is up to him.  What you feel and what you do is up to you.  Neither of you can control each other.

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