Ego-Less Parenting: Getting out of our kids’ way

~ Parenting can be one huge ego trip! 
Just because we’re bigger and older, we can get carried away with believing that
we must thrust our wisdom upon our little ones. ~

The other day, my son Buddy (12), was upset about something that happened at a friend’s house.  He was freely expressing his frustration at how kids’ disputes were handled, how younger siblings were catered to even when they were being obnoxious.  You know, typical stuff.

At first I did my usual thing:  Asked questions.  Allowed him to verbalize his feelings.  Asked him to locate those feelings in his body (as in, “When the little brother does that, and you start to feel angry, how does that anger feel in your body?”).

Then, before I knew it, I started offering my two cents.  “You may want to try this…” and “Look at it this way…”

It’s so easy to slip into advice-giving.  It’s so habitual to think, “Got it!  I know where this should go.  Let’s cut to the chase.  I’ll tell you what you need to know to make this situation better.”

I noticed that he wasn’t…shall I say “receiving”…my suggestions.  He kept saying what he was saying.

Then I noticed my slight frustration and checked in with myself.  “Venus,” I thought, “Are you really expecting him to shift gears and say, ‘Ah, yeah…you’re right.  I didn’t see it that way before.’”

I recognized that yes, indeed, I was waiting for him to be changed by my wisdom.  Then I laughed at myself.  My son wasn’t looking to be changed.  He was looking to be heard.

We all hate it when we’re just trying to vent…to articulate what we’re feeling so we can see it more clearly…and the person we’re venting to starts trying to “fix” the problem.  “You should do this.  Why did you do that?”

It’s infuriating for us as adults.  Why would we think it’s any different for kids?

If we want our kids to build their own “Insightful” muscles, and not just rely on others’ advice, we must support them with questions rather than answers.  The stronger their capacity for “Insight” and “Empathy,” the better decisions they’ll make we’re not around.

I returned my attention to my son during that conversation.  I listened more deeply, and started asking questions.

• What do you imagine the little brother wanted?
• What did you sense that he was feeling?
• Have you ever felt that way as a little brother?
• What did you want to say, but didn’t?
• How do you wish things had gone?
• What could you do or bring next time that might help things go more smoothly?

He seemed to feel relaxed, heard, and validated.  He stopped repeating himself, because he knew I “got it.”

When conversations go like this, I sense him feeling closer to me, rather than more distant.  I imagine that he feels understood and not judged.  He doesn’t hear me wishing he were different.  He hears me respecting his right to feel the way he feels.

Parenting can be one huge ego trip!  Just because we’re bigger and older, we can get carried away with believing that we must thrust our wisdom upon our little ones.

Often, what’s best is to help them tap into their own wisdom, by sharing more questions than answers.  This teaches them to self-reflect, tune into their own inner guidance, and be led by values of empathy and compassion.

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Summer of Bonding

I fully intended to continue writing articles this summer.  But something came over me, and I found myself compelled to rebalance my life.

For the past two years, I’ve spent as little time as possible focusing on my two kids, and as much time as possible focusing on building my business and writing my book.  Since I homeschool my kids (ages 12 & 14), that’s a problem.

My daughter, the super-self-motivated one, was doing ok academically, but emotionally, she was struggling.  By this June, she’d become short-tempered, easily frustrated, angry, and mean.

You might say, well, that’s typical 14 year old behavior.  But I don’t believe in that, because I’ve seen the other side.  I’ve seen other teens, and my own, grow softer, sweeter, more helpful, and more generous with just one simple principle:  TIME & ATTENTION.

We parents easily believe that, just because kids are older and more self-sufficient (they can cook, do chores, and bathe themselves), that they require less of our time and attention.  That is completely untrue.

TEENS NEED OUR TIME AND ATTENTION ALMOST AS MUCH AS TODDLERS.

The more time we spend with our teens - talking, playing games, listening to music, reading books, making meals, cleaning house - the more grounded and connected they feel.

WHAT WE CARE ABOUT MOST, WE SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH.

Remember when you were dating that special someone?  Didn’t you spend as much time as you could BEING with that person, THINKING about that person, TALKING about that person?

If you have a hobby or a talent you want to perfect, don’t you spend as much time as you possibly can DOING that activity, or READING about that field?

Similarly, the amount of time we spend with our kids, shows them how much we truly care about them.  How much we enjoy their company.  How much we like them as people.

And, during the teen years, kids welcome every opportunity to be liked as people.  As just “themselves” with no strings attached.

They are learning more about who they are, and who they wish to be.  Their friends may or may not know how to support them unconditionally.  As they grow, change, explore new ideas, question former assumptions, make their stakes in the ground then do a complete 180 - WE can be their safe haven.

Our teens need a relationship with us that is loving, close, non-judgmental, and supportive.  They need us to KNOW them.  To SEE them.  To LOVE them, however they show up.

So, I took time away from my business (which I also “love”), and gave it to my kids (and my husband).  And the results were unbelievable.

My daughter, now, is calmer, more giggly, more flexible.  She greets her little brother’s teasing with more lightness and humor.  She is patient with him, and with herself.  She can handle frustrations - like learning Algebra and Geometry - with grace and confidence.

And she hugs me all the time.  We feel close again.  We enjoy spending time together.  We listen to “This American Life” podcasts, and watch “30 Days” and talk about life together.

It would have made no sense for me to spend ALL my energy delivering workshops (coming soon) to help other parents stay connected or reconnect with their kids, if my relationship with my kids fell apart.

If you have a good foundation with a kid, if you make a mistake as you build on it, you can always go back and fix it.

If you don’t have a good foundation - if you and your kid got off on the wrong foot - it’s never too late to start.

Soon I’ll be announcing workshops, filled with GREAT techniques to help you bond with your child, and exploring how that bonded relationship is the key to helping them thrive in school and in life.

Stay tuned.

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My son won’t speak to people. It’s seen as rude. What can I do?

Q:  My 5-year-old son refuses to greet or say good-bye to anyone unless I threaten not to take him where he wants to go, or not to see his friends if he doesn’t greet their parents. I’m uncomfortable making excuses for him, such as “he’s shy” or “he needs to warm up to you first.”

A:  My favorite expert on this subject is Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is. She makes it so clear that reality doesn’t stress us out, it’s our THOUGHTS THAT ARGUE AGAINST REALITY that stress us out.

Reality:  He doesn’t speak to adults.  Your thought about it:  He SHOULD speak to adults.

If you simply accepted that, right now, at age 5, he’s going through a phase where he doesn’t speak to adults, you’d have a lot less anxiety about it.  You’d probably shrug and say, “He’ll outgrow it.”  And chances are, he will.

As parents, we often feel anxious about what our kids’ behavior says about us.  We fear that we’ll be judged by others.  So we try to force our kids to do what others believe is right so WE will feel better.

But isn’t it ironic that, 10 years from now, when he’s 15, you’ll want more than anything for him to do what HE knows is right and not what OTHERS think is right?

Then why teach him today to go against himself and do what others tell him to do, when ultimately you want a kid who stands up for himself and DOESN’T do what others tell him to do?

We can teach kids to fight peer pressure by our example:  Fighting the pressure our peers put on us to mold our kids into something other than who they are.

What to Do Instead
Here are 3 new ways to deal with young kids’ behavior when it feels embarrassing or rude:

1. Ask yourself, “Is this behavior putting anyone in immediate danger?” If your kid is pushing or hitting others or running out into the street, then yes, it deserves to be dealt with firmly.  But if he isn’t speaking to people, or if he’s not potty trained or reading or sharing toys by a certain age, consider shrugging it off as a phase while you find gentle ways to teach him to do better.
2. Don’t make a big deal out of it. If you don’t make it a big deal, perhaps no one else will either.  With no anxiety or apology, simply say, “Yes, he’s not speaking to new people right now,” with the same tone as if you’d said, “Yes, he has 10 fingers and toes.”  Simply describe his behavior so people don’t take it personally.  Also, not making it a big deal means that your 5-year-old gets no special attention for it - special attention would reinforce the behavior.  And when he wakes up one morning, speaking to people as if the “silent period” never happened, don’t make a big deal about that either.
3. DON’T LABEL. Don’t call him “shy” or “stubborn” or “anti-social.”  In other words, don’t label HIM or his BEHAVIOR.  Simply describe it without judgment.  Simply saying, “He’s not speaking” or “He’s not sharing these days,” describes only his behavior, and leaves him room to change it.  Whereas, “He’s rude” or “He’s selfish” describes HIM, and can mess with his self-image or become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If we avoid attempts to control our kids through praise and punishment, we allow them to evolve more authentically.

We support them in being who they really are by giving them room to develop in their own time.

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