Welcoming Kids’ Anger: How to Tone it Down Without Shutting it Down

Kids express anger in lots of different (mostly unpleasant) ways.  Little kids may yell, hit, or throw tantrums.  Older kids may slam doors, play their music too loudly, or withdraw.

If parents aren’t careful, we can focus so much on shutting down the behavior that a kid uses to EXPRESS anger, that we effectively shut down the anger itself.

Why is it important NOT to shut kids’ anger down?

1. Anger is a valid emotion.  Cut a kid off from what he/she really feels, and you end up with an emotionally numb kid - out of touch with his/her true self - unable to be genuine with self or anyone else.
2. It will come up in destructive ways.  Silencing anger doesn’t make it disappear.  It’s still there, just brewing beneath the surface, waiting to come out in ways that hurt others or the kid himself (herself).
3. Shutting down = Closing off.  If you want a close relationship with your kids - if you want them to trust you and feel connected to you for the long run - then it’s important that they know you care what they really feel.

To sustain a healthy relationship with kids - one where they feel seen, heard, understood, and unconditionally loved - we parents must respect our kids’ right to their own feelings and perspectives.

This doesn’t mean that we embrace every approach they use to EXPRESS their feelings and perspectives.  In other words, anger is acceptable, even though hitting is not.

Here are some ways that we can support our kids in staying in touch with their feelings and expressing them productively:

1. Teach younger kids to verbalize their feelings.  Say to them, “Seems like you’re feeling really upset.”  Then invite them to SAY WHAT THEY FEEL - as in “I feel angry,” “I’m so mad right now,” or “I don’t like this.”
2. Invite older kids to be honest, without penalty.  Make it a practice NEVER to contradict a kid’s expression of his/her feelings - never say things like, “Oh, you don’t mean that.”  Learn to be comfortable letting them FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL.  At some level, their feelings have nothing to do with you.  They’re just giving you information about what’s going on inside them.  Don’t take it personally.  Don’t try to “fix it.”  Just hear them out.
3. Be a model of honesty.  Illustrate what it means to be be honest about feelings without being destructive by doing it yourself.  Use “I”-statements, so that your feelings speak only about you, and don’t sound like judgments of others.  Say, “When I see you doing that, I feel angry,” not “You’re making me really angry right now.”

Inviting kids to share their honest feelings, while teaching them more productive methods of communicating them, creates an environment where kids learn to know, love, and truly express themselves.

What’s been your experience with kids, and healthy vs unhealthy ways of expressing anger?  Share with us by leaving a comment.

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Look at What TV is Doing to Our Kids…

Have you seen the latest Valentine’s Day Hallmark Commercial aimed at parents and kids?  It’s the one where a group of girls are comparing the special treats their moms (presumably) put in their lunch boxes for Valentine’s Day.

Most of the girls got home-made “I love you’s” in the form of decorated fruit and heart-shaped sandwiches.  And the girls are all, Ho-hum.

Until the one girl pulls out a personalized “Hannah Montana” card, with a voice-message from her mom and some “Rock Star” song clip.  Then eyes light up.  Heads turn.  The whole cafeteria is envious.

The message is:  A store-bought gift is the best way to express love. 

Isn’t it sad?  LOVE has been co-opted.

You may be saying, “Duh, Venus, this is not new.”  I know it isn’t.  But since I watch so little TV these days, my commercial-immunity is low.  Each one I see is a shock to my system.  My jaw drops and I wonder, “Oh my gosh, is this stuff on constantly?”

How can we raise kids who care about what’s real, when they heaping doses of lies every time they watch television?

To keep your kids’ hearts and minds from being poisoned by commercial messages, here are

3 Ways to Boost Your Kids’ Commercial Immunity:

1. Turn Off the TV:  I know this one is hard for some families, but this age of technology can actually make it easier.  Besides listening to audio books and helping them learn to MAKE their own shows (like for YouTube) instead of WATCHING all the time, you can:

     a. View Child-friendly Internet Sites:  There are lots of kids’ channel internet sites, like cartoonnetwork.com, neopets.com, and 4kids.tv.  These sites show more commercials each year, too.  But they seem just a little less pervasive.

     b. Purchase Shows:  Between DVDs and iTunes, your kids can be up on all the latest shows without having to endure all the latest commercials. 

2. Talk Back to the TV:  The younger your kids are when you start, the stronger their immunity will be when they’re older.  Don’t let TV be a one-way medium.  Talk back to it.  Say out loud, “That’s not true.”  Then tell your kids YOUR perspective, so they learn YOUR values, not the ones in the commercials.  The more kids learn to argue back at the TV, the less power it has to control what they think.

3. De-Program Your Kids:  Around age 12 or so, kids are more interested in exploring what they think, rather than hearing about what parents think.  Instead of telling them your beliefs, ask questions that help them examine their own beliefs.  Ask, “What did you think the message was in that commercial?  What do the manufacturers want you to think about their product?  How much do you agree with that?  How much do you disagree?”  This way, commercials can prompt kids to look within themselves, rather than to the TV, for answers.

Most of all, don’t let the commercials infect YOU. 

Show your kid love in natural ways that really count:  hugs, notes, loving words, and fun family activities.  A healthy relationship with you will keep your kid strong.  And the poison darts of commercialism will bounce right off.

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