My son won’t speak to people. It’s seen as rude. What can I do?

Q:  My 5-year-old son refuses to greet or say good-bye to anyone unless I threaten not to take him where he wants to go, or not to see his friends if he doesn’t greet their parents. I’m uncomfortable making excuses for him, such as “he’s shy” or “he needs to warm up to you first.”

A:  My favorite expert on this subject is Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is. She makes it so clear that reality doesn’t stress us out, it’s our THOUGHTS THAT ARGUE AGAINST REALITY that stress us out.

Reality:  He doesn’t speak to adults.  Your thought about it:  He SHOULD speak to adults.

If you simply accepted that, right now, at age 5, he’s going through a phase where he doesn’t speak to adults, you’d have a lot less anxiety about it.  You’d probably shrug and say, “He’ll outgrow it.”  And chances are, he will.

As parents, we often feel anxious about what our kids’ behavior says about us.  We fear that we’ll be judged by others.  So we try to force our kids to do what others believe is right so WE will feel better.

But isn’t it ironic that, 10 years from now, when he’s 15, you’ll want more than anything for him to do what HE knows is right and not what OTHERS think is right?

Then why teach him today to go against himself and do what others tell him to do, when ultimately you want a kid who stands up for himself and DOESN’T do what others tell him to do?

We can teach kids to fight peer pressure by our example:  Fighting the pressure our peers put on us to mold our kids into something other than who they are.

What to Do Instead
Here are 3 new ways to deal with young kids’ behavior when it feels embarrassing or rude:

1. Ask yourself, “Is this behavior putting anyone in immediate danger?” If your kid is pushing or hitting others or running out into the street, then yes, it deserves to be dealt with firmly.  But if he isn’t speaking to people, or if he’s not potty trained or reading or sharing toys by a certain age, consider shrugging it off as a phase while you find gentle ways to teach him to do better.
2. Don’t make a big deal out of it. If you don’t make it a big deal, perhaps no one else will either.  With no anxiety or apology, simply say, “Yes, he’s not speaking to new people right now,” with the same tone as if you’d said, “Yes, he has 10 fingers and toes.”  Simply describe his behavior so people don’t take it personally.  Also, not making it a big deal means that your 5-year-old gets no special attention for it - special attention would reinforce the behavior.  And when he wakes up one morning, speaking to people as if the “silent period” never happened, don’t make a big deal about that either.
3. DON’T LABEL. Don’t call him “shy” or “stubborn” or “anti-social.”  In other words, don’t label HIM or his BEHAVIOR.  Simply describe it without judgment.  Simply saying, “He’s not speaking” or “He’s not sharing these days,” describes only his behavior, and leaves him room to change it.  Whereas, “He’s rude” or “He’s selfish” describes HIM, and can mess with his self-image or become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If we avoid attempts to control our kids through praise and punishment, we allow them to evolve more authentically.

We support them in being who they really are by giving them room to develop in their own time.

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