Welcoming Kids’ Anger: How to Tone it Down Without Shutting it Down

Kids express anger in lots of different (mostly unpleasant) ways.  Little kids may yell, hit, or throw tantrums.  Older kids may slam doors, play their music too loudly, or withdraw.

If parents aren’t careful, we can focus so much on shutting down the behavior that a kid uses to EXPRESS anger, that we effectively shut down the anger itself.

Why is it important NOT to shut kids’ anger down?

1. Anger is a valid emotion.  Cut a kid off from what he/she really feels, and you end up with an emotionally numb kid - out of touch with his/her true self - unable to be genuine with self or anyone else.
2. It will come up in destructive ways.  Silencing anger doesn’t make it disappear.  It’s still there, just brewing beneath the surface, waiting to come out in ways that hurt others or the kid himself (herself).
3. Shutting down = Closing off.  If you want a close relationship with your kids - if you want them to trust you and feel connected to you for the long run - then it’s important that they know you care what they really feel.

To sustain a healthy relationship with kids - one where they feel seen, heard, understood, and unconditionally loved - we parents must respect our kids’ right to their own feelings and perspectives.

This doesn’t mean that we embrace every approach they use to EXPRESS their feelings and perspectives.  In other words, anger is acceptable, even though hitting is not.

Here are some ways that we can support our kids in staying in touch with their feelings and expressing them productively:

1. Teach younger kids to verbalize their feelings.  Say to them, “Seems like you’re feeling really upset.”  Then invite them to SAY WHAT THEY FEEL - as in “I feel angry,” “I’m so mad right now,” or “I don’t like this.”
2. Invite older kids to be honest, without penalty.  Make it a practice NEVER to contradict a kid’s expression of his/her feelings - never say things like, “Oh, you don’t mean that.”  Learn to be comfortable letting them FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL.  At some level, their feelings have nothing to do with you.  They’re just giving you information about what’s going on inside them.  Don’t take it personally.  Don’t try to “fix it.”  Just hear them out.
3. Be a model of honesty.  Illustrate what it means to be be honest about feelings without being destructive by doing it yourself.  Use “I”-statements, so that your feelings speak only about you, and don’t sound like judgments of others.  Say, “When I see you doing that, I feel angry,” not “You’re making me really angry right now.”

Inviting kids to share their honest feelings, while teaching them more productive methods of communicating them, creates an environment where kids learn to know, love, and truly express themselves.

What’s been your experience with kids, and healthy vs unhealthy ways of expressing anger?  Share with us by leaving a comment.

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