My Body: Love it or Lean it?

OMG…I just looked at a picture I took in January.  It was a bikini-clad “Before” picture…as in “before” I started exercising again (and after I spent the fall eating baked potatoes and french fries - yikes).

One day soon I’ll be brave enough to post it on this site (stay tuned).

I’m always torn about how to approach body image issues.  The feminist in me firmly believes that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.  While my inner supermodel wants to starve away all the cellulite.

Where do we draw the line between loving & accepting our bodies, and striving to meet our own standards of beauty?

Here’s what I’ve concluded for myself:  I know what I look like when I’m healthy, and I know what I look like when I’m unhealthy.  My appearance is a sign of my inner health.  So when I focus on health instead of beauty, I get BOTH.

True, the ripples in my thighs prompted me to think, “I’m not going to the beach looking like that.”  I’m still human, with all the ego and vanity that comes with it.

But when I look at my body as a problem to be solved, it doesn’t feel loving.  I end up eating better, but feeling deprived.  I may even exercise, but it feels like punishment.

Instead, I choose to love and accept my body.  I don’t argue with myself or put myself down for how my body looks.  I am not my body.  And besides, being past 40, this body will not look 20 no matter how hard I try.  It will fade away altogether, eventually.

From a place of love and acceptance, I can then ask myself, “So, what do you want to do about it?”  Everything I do or don’t do after that, is a CHOICE.  Not a punishment.  Not deprivation.  I’m loving my body into what I’d like it to be.

Beyond that, I listen to what my body’s telling me about my level of inner health.

When I drink fresh juices, do just a little yoga and weight training, and include a salad a day into my lifestyle - I look gorgeous!  My skin is clear, my face is slim, and my thighs have fewer ripples.  I LOOK like health, when I’m healthy.

When I eat mostly starches and fried foods, my body falls apart on the outside to let me know it’s falling apart on the inside.  I know it’s true because this is also the food that creates phlegm in my throat, lethargy, and sinus infections.

I love the real me so much - my spirit - that I want a body that can keep up.  I want a body that is light and toned, not to look good on the beach (though I like that perk), but so that I have energy and longevity to do all that I came here to do.

If you want to join me as we love our bodies from the inside out, here are a few tips:

1. Start with love. Look at your body in the mirror or in a picture.  Celebrate your natural gifts.  Be mindful that your body is a vehicle, a tool.  YOU ARE NOT YOUR BODY.  It simply carries you around from place to place.  It supports you in doing what you came here to do.  What did you come here to do?  How is your body helping or hindering you?
2. Tune in and listen. What is your outer body telling you about your inner body?  Is your skin blotchy because it’s trying to rid your body of toxins?  Is it dry because you’re dehydrated?  Is it saggy because you’re not exercising enough?  You may not understand the messages your body’s sending right away.  But once you decide to tune in, over time, you’ll become clear on how to interpret its signs.
3. Proceed with love. As you come to understand what your body wants and needs in order to support you in being all you came here to be, lovingly begin to give it what it wants.  Drink a little more water each day.  Touch your toes or do some sun salutations for just 10 minutes a day.  Replace one soda with a bottle of water, or one bag of chips with a piece of fruit.  Do these things as a way to celebrate your body and improve your health on the inside - not as a way to punish yourself, or live up to an external standard of beauty.

Let your love of your REAL self, shine through in your love of your PHYSICAL self.  Take care of the body that you’d like to carry you around for another 40 to 80 years (I, personally, expect to live to age 120).

Outer appearance is merely a reflection of inner health.  Focusing on health, instead of “beauty” will ultimately grant you both.

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Self-Care: Organizing as an Act of Self-Love

I haven’t blogged for nearly two weeks. “Why?” you ask?

Because I had to take some time to prepare my bleeping taxes.  Ugh!

Every year it’s the same thing:  I drag my feet, dreading to dive into the ocean of unorganized receipts.  I fret.  I whine.  “I don’t wanna do it.”  My stomach gets tight.  I can’t sleep.  I can’t smile.  I’m haunted by images of “Uncle Sam” hanging over my head waiting to pounce.

Then, when I can’t afford to put it off any more, I reluctantly get started.  Stuffing the receipts into manilla folders marked, “Advertising,” “Office Supplies,” etc.  …It always takes less time than I imagined it would.

Then I dig out my old calculator, with the receipt tape.  And before I know it, I’m actually having fun.  Getting drunk on the click-click-churn of the gears on that thing.  Ripping the receipt tape.  Stapling totals to the front of each folder. Making everything nice and pretty to hand over to the accountant.

I noticed, this year, that I really liked that sense of order.  Those neat stacks of receipts.  Those tidy little folders.

The more organized everything became, the happier and lighter I felt.  My bedroom-slash-office began to feel like an inviting retreat space, rather than a torture chamber.

I’m at a place in my life where I can acknowledge that managing my physical and emotional space is a great way to take care of myself.

Two of my favorite people in the world have shown their love by cleaning up for me.  My now husband (then, boyfriend), and my lifelong best friend, Sue.  In both cases, it was my car they cleaned.  For no reason.  Just because it was a mess and they loved me and wanted to do something nice for me.

I felt so tenderly loved.

This year, I’m committed to showing that kind of love to myself.

I’ve revamped my filing system to make it more fun and accessible.  I’m looking forward to tallying up my little receipts quarterly instead of waiting until the end of the year (or next April).

Stress-and-Release is a familiar pattern for many of us.  We may even prefer to work that way - I always have.  I’m a great problem-solver, so sometimes I procrastinate so I’ll have a bigger problem to solve.  It gets my creative juices pumping.  It’s such a rush!

But as my life and my business continue to grow, that level of stress is no longer fun.  It’s counter-productive.

Are you facing a similar dilemma?  Are your familiar old habits not suited to the new life you’re working to create?

Are you realizing, in the words of Marshall Goldsmith and Mark Reiter, that “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There?”

Seeing “organizing” as a way to love and care for myself, instead of as a burdensome obligation, will make this new growth effort fun for me.

What old practices are holding you back?  What new practices would support you in creating the life you really want?

What would make it fun for you to replace old, unproductive habits, with new, supportive ones?

Click below and share with the class.

~ Venus

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The Rihanna Lesson: Teaching Our Daughters Self-Love

As a mom, this recent news story about a young, female pop singer being (allegedly) brutally beaten by her boyfriend has struck me in a tender place.

I can’t help but ask, “How can I make sure my daughter would never tolerate an (allegedly) abusive relationship?”

My daughter’s only 14, and I would never be so arrogant as to assume this could never happen to her.  However, I trust that some of the choices I’ve made while parenting her, have developed such a deep sense of self-love and self-respect, that she would not tolerate anyone hurting her in the name of love.

Parenting With The End In Mind

In my book, Becoming the Mom I Wish I’d Had: How to Heal Yourself and Your Family Through HEART-Based Parenting, I write about Parenting With the End in Mind.  In other words, envision the person you want your kid to be 10-20 YEARS down the road, and letting that vision guide your actions TODAY.

For instance, when my daughter was a newborn, I held her and imagined the woman I wanted her to become.  More than anything, I knew I wanted her to love herself so genuinely that low self-esteem, peer pressure, or tolerating abuse would never be issues for her.

When I asked myself, What can I do NOW to increase the chance that she’ll have tremendous self-love and self-respect as a young woman, a few ideas came to mind:

1. DO NOT HIT - Hitting my daughter might teach her to accept being hit by people she loves.  I absolutely do not want her to accept abuse in any relationship.  So I never made it a practice to hit her, no matter what she did.  (I admit in the book, I slipped up a time or two, but never as a practice.)
2. RESPECT HER FEELINGS - So many parents show no respect for their children as human beings, but then want the kids to respect themselves.  We respect our children by honoring their right to their own feelings, thoughts, and desires - even when they differ from our own.  We show respect by treating our children as people, not as things - by not demeaning or criticizing them in ways that we would never do to friends.  Supporting my daughter’s right to her own opinion, I hope, has taught her to expect the same support from anyone else who claims to love her.
3. KEEP HER TUNED INTO HERSELF - I’ve gone to great lengths to keep my daughter tuned into her own spirit and intuition.  So, instead of teaching her to blindly obey my commands (as if that would ever have worked anyway), I’ve always asked her, “What is your gut telling you?” and “What does your heart say?”  I won’t always be around when she must make important decisions - she’s got to learn to listen to her inner voice.  When we support kids in tapping their own inner wisdom, they learn to do what’s right, even when no one is around to enforce the rules.

The hope is that my daughter will never find herself in an abusive relationship.  But if she ever did, I trust that she will ultimately return to her original state of self-love, self-respect, and self-protection.

What else do you believe is important to do with our daughters TODAY, to ensure they have healthy relationships TOMORROW?

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