Feeling Like a Single-Parent, Even When You’re Not

Ever feel like a single parent, even though you’re not?

I hear this from a lot of women (and sometimes men), especially those who are stay-at-home-parents.

What I’ve learned from others’ experience, and even my own, is that parenthood may affect each partner differently.

Some parents turn all their attention to creating more family time, drawing closer, making memories; while their partners may step up their efforts to make sure the growing family is financially secure.  Some folks may even feel overwhelmed by how much energy and attention kids require, and really need to get away more often.

Right now, I’d just like to talk to the stay-at-home-mom (sahm) who wishes that her partner would make more family time and not WORK so darn much.

This subject is too huge to address fully in a blog post, so I’ll just share 4 little tips for now that helped me, and a few women I’ve known, to stop feeling resentful toward their “absent” partners:

1. Do your best to grasp his point of view.  Ask him, honestly, “What has parenthood been like for you?  How has it shifted your priorities?”  What you may find is that parenthood, may have set off a message in his head saying, “Now I’ve REALLY got to provide for my family.  I cannot fail this child.”  Understanding his point of view, instead of being angry that he doesn’t share YOUR point of view, can help you feel less alone and more like the two of you are “in this together” just covering different bases.
2. Accept that not everybody does the “baby” thing well.  Personally, I can share that my husband is NOT a baby person, but once the kids reached the age of 6 or 7, and could hold conversations, he was much more involved.  I used to feel resentful that I felt so alone during the newborn and toddler years, but I found that letting that go freed me up to celebrate his strengths, and to be grateful that the kids actually have two, involved, loving parents.
3. Share with him what he’s missing.  If you’re the one who gets to be home, enjoying all that bonding time with the kids, don’t let him miss all of it.  Video tape, take pictures, email or text him.  Find creative ways to include him in the day-to-day life of the family.  Just because he’s away doesn’t mean he’s not interested.  The more he knows about the kids, the more emotionally connected he’ll feel to them.
4. Keep him present even when he’s absent.  Say good things about “daddy” to the kids when he’s not there.  Help them to feel like they know him and love him, even when they don’t see him as often as they see you.

Any other suggestions?

If you’re a SAHM/D, how have you managed the “single-parent” feeling?  What’s been the biggest challenge you’ve faced as a SAHM/D?

If you’re not a SAHM/D, have you felt like a single-parent, even though you’re married?  How does that show up?  How do you work through it?

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