50 Ways to Love Your Lover: 21-30 (TIME)

Do you crave more time with your partner?
Are you enjoying making memories together?

We say it all the time:  Life is short.  If your primary love language is Quality Time (see Gary Chapman’s, The Five Love Languages), you may be particularly sensitive to the brevity of life.  You may uniquely treasure the time spent with people you love most.

Quality Time is more than just time spent in each other’s company.  It’s time spent FOCUSING on each other.  Talking, playing, laughing.  Really engaging with each other - not watching TV or playing on your cell phones.

A person whose primary love language is Quality Time really wants to be seen, heard, appreciated, and understood.  This person feels connected to people who deeply know her and enjoy her presence.

If your partner’s primary love language is Quality Time, here are a few ideas to help him feel fully loved by and connected to you.

1. Ask him to retell a story from childhood – Even if you’ve heard all his stories before, listen deeply, as if you may write his biography one day. Ask, “What was that like for you? When do you feel like that now?  What makes that memory so important that you’ve treasured it above so many others?”
2. Laugh a lot – Don’t let life get so serious that you’re not having fun together regularly. Tell jokes, funny stories, silly dreams. The memory of you rolling with laughter is the one memory you want burnt into his mind.
3. Listen with your whole heart – When he’s sharing something that’s important to him (even if it’s something hard for you to hear),  set aside your agenda and just be his friend. Be a safe space where he can share his thoughts and feelings without judgment.
4. Welcome him home – Stop whatever you’re doing, for just 30 seconds, and greet him when he comes home. I have a friend in NJ who has made this a practice for over 30 yrs of marriage. Once, while giving a speech, he shocked her by mentioning how much he appreciated that…how special he felt.  Such a small gesture can make a big difference in anyone’s day.
5. Play – Board games, card games, video games.  Anything that gets you interacting with each other in a fun way.
6. Read together – Out loud or silently.  Share a small passage of something together – one paragraph, one chapter, an interesting article from a magazine – and discuss your different perspectives.
7. Do something healthy together – Go for a walk (even if it’s a stroll), do a paired floor stretch, walk up the stairs of your apartment complex together (do lots of reps if there aren’t many stairs).  When my husband and I lived in a 20 story building, we would sometimes walk all the way up, just for exercise.  It’s fun to share that memory together.
8. Parallel Play – If you’re both really bogged down, and rarely make “face time,” try working in the same room at least once a week.  The goal is to give yourself more opportunities to break for eye contact and quick conversations.
9. Attend something you wouldn’t ordinarily – Don’t like attending philosophy lectures or baseball games?  Go at least occasionally with this goal in mind:  Getting to know him better.  Afterward, ask him what he liked most, what he thought could be better.  Use the event as a doorway into his soul.
10. Ask for feedback – From time to time, ask “How loved / respected / cherished / appreciated are you feeling this week? How ratchet that up another notch?”

Time with loved ones is what we’ll miss most when one of us has passed on.  Savor it.  Revel in it.  Especially if your or your partner’s primary love language is Quality Time.

Next Up:  Expressing love with Gifts.

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How have you used “Time” to express love to your significant other?

Comment below.

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See all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service (coming soon)

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Summer of Bonding

I fully intended to continue writing articles this summer.  But something came over me, and I found myself compelled to rebalance my life.

For the past two years, I’ve spent as little time as possible focusing on my two kids, and as much time as possible focusing on building my business and writing my book.  Since I homeschool my kids (ages 12 & 14), that’s a problem.

My daughter, the super-self-motivated one, was doing ok academically, but emotionally, she was struggling.  By this June, she’d become short-tempered, easily frustrated, angry, and mean.

You might say, well, that’s typical 14 year old behavior.  But I don’t believe in that, because I’ve seen the other side.  I’ve seen other teens, and my own, grow softer, sweeter, more helpful, and more generous with just one simple principle:  TIME & ATTENTION.

We parents easily believe that, just because kids are older and more self-sufficient (they can cook, do chores, and bathe themselves), that they require less of our time and attention.  That is completely untrue.

TEENS NEED OUR TIME AND ATTENTION ALMOST AS MUCH AS TODDLERS.

The more time we spend with our teens - talking, playing games, listening to music, reading books, making meals, cleaning house - the more grounded and connected they feel.

WHAT WE CARE ABOUT MOST, WE SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH.

Remember when you were dating that special someone?  Didn’t you spend as much time as you could BEING with that person, THINKING about that person, TALKING about that person?

If you have a hobby or a talent you want to perfect, don’t you spend as much time as you possibly can DOING that activity, or READING about that field?

Similarly, the amount of time we spend with our kids, shows them how much we truly care about them.  How much we enjoy their company.  How much we like them as people.

And, during the teen years, kids welcome every opportunity to be liked as people.  As just “themselves” with no strings attached.

They are learning more about who they are, and who they wish to be.  Their friends may or may not know how to support them unconditionally.  As they grow, change, explore new ideas, question former assumptions, make their stakes in the ground then do a complete 180 - WE can be their safe haven.

Our teens need a relationship with us that is loving, close, non-judgmental, and supportive.  They need us to KNOW them.  To SEE them.  To LOVE them, however they show up.

So, I took time away from my business (which I also “love”), and gave it to my kids (and my husband).  And the results were unbelievable.

My daughter, now, is calmer, more giggly, more flexible.  She greets her little brother’s teasing with more lightness and humor.  She is patient with him, and with herself.  She can handle frustrations - like learning Algebra and Geometry - with grace and confidence.

And she hugs me all the time.  We feel close again.  We enjoy spending time together.  We listen to “This American Life” podcasts, and watch “30 Days” and talk about life together.

It would have made no sense for me to spend ALL my energy delivering workshops (coming soon) to help other parents stay connected or reconnect with their kids, if my relationship with my kids fell apart.

If you have a good foundation with a kid, if you make a mistake as you build on it, you can always go back and fix it.

If you don’t have a good foundation - if you and your kid got off on the wrong foot - it’s never too late to start.

Soon I’ll be announcing workshops, filled with GREAT techniques to help you bond with your child, and exploring how that bonded relationship is the key to helping them thrive in school and in life.

Stay tuned.

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