50 Ways to Love Your Lover: 11-20 (TOUCH)

Gary Chapman really earned my respect in The Five Love Languages when he explained that men often crave sex more than women due to hormonal differences - DUH, right?  But my favorite part was this:  THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEIR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE IS PHYSICAL TOUCH.

If you bracket the hormone-induced desire for sex, and listen to what your partner requests or complains about most, you can hear clues to his true primary love language.  For example, if he often exclaims, “You’re going out with your friends AGAIN,” that could be a sign that his love language is Quality Time.  Or if he asks, “What do you like about me,” could be his love language is Words of Affirmation.

One other thing:  Physical Touch doesn’t always equal “Sex.”  There are dozens of ways to show love through physical touch that don’t immediately proceed or coincide with sex.

So, if you and your partner check out Gary Chapman’s book or website, and discover that one or both of you has a primary love language of Physical Touch, here are…

10 WAYS to Love Your Lover through Touch

1. Rub his back – Since most of us can’t touch our backs by ourselves, it’s a very neglected body part.  The feel of a soft hand (not even massaging, just stroking), can be wonderfully comforting.
2. Place his hands where you like to be touched – I get a kick out of taking my husband’s hands and placing them on my face. I don’t know why, but I like the feel of his hands on my face. And I think he enjoys knowing that his touch is sacred to me.
3. Cuddle – Just being physically close is spiritually and emotionally rejuvenating. Lay your leg across his lap while reading a book. Put your head on his shoulder while watching TV. Stroke his arm while he’s driving (if he’s not easily distracted).
4. Play – Chase, tickle, piggy back ride. Remember the physical fun of being a kid? The thrill of being chased. The suspense of that handslapping game (where you try to move your hands before the other person can slap them). No law says you can’t still have fun like that.
5. Kiss him in unusual places – A sweet, delicate, adoring kiss on the cheek, forehead, back, bicep, knee…can be surprisingly stimulating.
6. Try to memorize his body – Close your eyes and run your hands over a particular part of your man’s body. Could you identify it in a line-up, blindfolded? Could you sculpt it from memory? What curves, textures, angles are uniquely his? What do the veins in his hands feel like? How would you map the hair on his thigh?
7. Massage a body part – Ask him in which body part he holds the most stress.  Then offer him a 5 minute massage of that part. Doesn’t have to be a professional level massage. Touch is healing. Just a nice oiled rub will do. Note:  If it’s his back - which part?  Upper?  Lower?  I spent years massaging my husband’s upper back before we discovered that he gets the most benefit from a lower back rub.  Another note: If he’s not sore, and you’d like to massage him anyway, try his hands or feet.  They’re small, and appreciate the attention. 
8. Ten Touches a Day – Add completely unnecessary touches to your day. Touch his hand when he passes the salt. Graze his butt with yours as you’re passing in the hall. No reason. No excuse. Just for the fun of it. See if you can add 10 no-reason touches a day.
9. Mold your hand to your favorite body part – What’s your favorite body part on him? Explore how your hand is like a puzzle piece that fits that part perfectly. You were made for each other. I like to rest my finger in my husband’s chin dimple. It’s like his chin was made as a finger-rest for me. Then I notice other parts fit in there too, like my nose, my teeth. It’s fun.
10. Measure body parts - Hands, feet, arms.  Whose is bigger?  Smaller?  Wider?  Warmer?  No reason.  Just a casual, fun thing to do that presses body parts against each other.

Again, I mostly talk to women loving men…but this stuff works well with anyone.  And if  YOUR primary love language is Physical Touch, then ASK for these things.  Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. TEACH him or her how to speak your love language.

Next up:  Expressing love in the language of Quality Time.

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What other non-intercourse-related ways can you show love through Physical Touch?

Comment below.

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See all 50 Ways to Love Your Lover, using…

• Words of Affirmation
  
• Physical Touch
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service (coming soon)

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How do we break the poor and destructive patterns and start the healing process?

Q:  How do we break the poor and destructive patterns and start the healing process? – Nava

A:  When we’re stuck in “patterns,” we’re not fully present.  Instead of responding constructively and creatively to the present situation, we react hostily and habitually, based on memories of the past.

To break out of destructive patterns and start the healing process, we must become conscious, instead of unconscious.  We must let go of our desire to control others.  We must trust that we’ll be ok if everyone doesn’t see everything our way.

To stop hurting and start healing, follow the A, B, C approach:  Awareness, Bravery, Communication.

1. Awareness – Like they say, “The first step, is admitting you have a problem.”  Observe yourself to become aware of how you’re contributing to the pattern.  What triggers you?  What happens inside you when the negativity starts?  What are you feeling?  Thinking?  What earlier incident are you reminded of?

2. Bravery – Another famous saying is, “Bravery (or Courage) isn’t the absence of fear, but the capacity to act in spite of it.”  Patterns are familiar and comforting, even if they’re painful.  Be brave enough to risk being wrong, to let go of the need to control the outcome.  Be brave enough to just BE (and allow him to BE) in an authentic way – flaws and all.

3. Communication – The healing process begins with a new way of talking through conflicts.  Conflicts can actually be constructive, rather than destructive, when you communicate honestly about what you feel, think and want, without blaming, criticizing, judging, or holding the other responsible for your well-being. 

Try saying things like, “When you did…, I felt…” as opposed to “You made me feel…when you did…”  It’s a subtle but HUGE difference.  In the first statement, you’re simply sharing information about how you felt when a specific thing happened.  In the second, you’re holding the other responsible (“You MADE me feel…”)

It’d be great if BOTH of you learn to do this simultaneously.  But the change can start with just you.  To paraphrase Mahatma Gandhi’s famous quote, “BE the change you want to SEE in your relationship.”  If show up in a HEALING way, rather than a destructive way, the effects will ripple through your relationships.  Watch what happens.

Have a question that you’d like to Ask Venus?  Click here to ask your question.

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